action.

aren't you supposed to do what makes you happy?
why do people care so much about their actions and words?

because your actions, and what words you use may hurt somebody.
even if it was unintentional.

- r

selfish.

as much as i might say it doesn't bother me.
i guess it does. because at the end of the day, i'm just as selfish as you are.

- r

ughhhh

this lack of sleep is totally not helping me.
i'm so grumpy i could hit someone in the face.
not a wise time to be pissing me off.

- r

sighpie.

all the signs say it's wrong, but why does it feel right?
maybe i need to take a step back and look for what i want for myself because at the end of the day i should be making my own decisions.
although it's my own life, i feel so hesitant to live it. everything about it is wrong. i can't do it, and just let it go..

maybe the page needs to be turned, and looked at in a different perspective.
think about it, there is so much you can do without me. your life would be so much easier if you just followed the rules. mine would be too.
i think your vision is blurred, and you need to see the bigger picture.
look at what is right in front of you.

- r

different.

it seems harmless in your eyes.
while in others it's the total opposite.
differences in opinion changes everything.
differences in people changes everything.
it may seem like nothing to you.
but it's something to me.
change what you will, do what you want.
because the difference between you and i, is never going to change.
maybe you think it's stupid, but i have reasons for why i feel the way i do.
it's easy for you, to say it's okay.
but it isn't for me, and it never will be.
sorry that a few assholes in my life has affected the way i am with you.
but that's just how my life has played out.
let me guard myself, and rely on who i think is worth relying on.
because they have been around for too many heartbreaks to let it happen again.

- r

depressing shit.

i walk down the road and what do i see?
i see a small primary school with children playing games on the oval. pushing their friends around, laughing, crying, screaming.
their lives seem so full of innocence. all they want to do is play with toys, make new friends, share cute silly stories. they understand each other.
children have this interesting thing, i've noticed. no matter how different they are, they tend to understand each other. it doesn't matter where they're from. most of the time, the person sitting next to them becomes their best friend.
just because they sit next to them. and when it's time to move to a different class, it starts all over again.
how do they adapt so easily? that's the thing. they don't. every single year, they move class, change teacher, change 'best friend' even. it's not easy to make a solid relationship with people when all this change happens. that's why, when change does happen you learn to hold on to things. at least make sure you have kept a memory. coz you never know when that's all you will have of someone.

i'm sure plenty of people wonder why my blogs always seem so depressing. well, they are i guess, in a way. but only because i type out all my depressing thoughts, with hope that they will go away and i can continue to live my life without ever thinking of such things. but sometimes, when i'm alone i sit there and just think. think about all the friends i've had, all the friends i DO have and how i can keep things the way they are. because right now everything seems almost perfect, right where i want it to be. even after all that change, moving around, constant best friend changing. i feel like i'm in a great position right now. right where i want to be. even though there are some people missing in the puzzle i guess i'll just have to deal with a few holes here and there but as long as i stay like this, for a little longer i'm happy and awfully blessed to have what i have.

- r

girl.

there was once a beautiful girl who lived in a castle.
she grew up with a wonderful family, a family which always loved her and forgave her for actions that may have dissapointed them countless times.
they gave her almost everything she ever wanted.
never did she feel unappreciative of whatever was given to her.
this girl had beautiful siblings which always looked after her and made sure she was okay. they watched over her when her mother and father ever felt they needed a break.
the girl loved her family so much that she would do anything for them.
she was always the one the family thought would make it in the world. she was the only one that had accomplished things that the rest of the family had not.
but one day, she felt she could not live up to their expectations.
she knew she was different..

she did not share all the same values as they did. but she didn't want to dissapoint them. she loved them so.
instead, she kept her feelings to herself. locked up in her heart, for no one to ever find. her secret was never shared with anyone.
but how long can secrets be kept? lying to others is just as bad as lying to yourself.
right?

- r

diary.

i've decided i need a diary. to keep important dates handy all the time. and so i can be more organised. and meet deadlines for once. handing in things in late isn't going to help me in the future. and missing appointments is super annoying.
so HELLO 2011, organised renata here i come! :D

laugh.

"i don't think i should go to a katy perry concert.
i'm afraid i would have an erection. and that would be quite embarrassing."

- doodle.

hahaha oh you make me laugh. can't wait to take photos with your awesome camera and (not) drop it in a pond! ;D take photo's of all the celebrities you see in LA for me. so i can hate on them as much as i can. GO DIE AMERICA (Y)

- r

owie.

we leave our past behind us because we choose to move on. not to forget it or regret it, but so we can grow and become who we want to be. we choose who we want be surrounded by, because in the end of the day they mean the most to us. but what happens when the people you want to be with, don't want to be around you anymore? is that when it's time to move on, and let it go. do we grow from this experience and just watch them pass by? i don't wouldn't know what to do, because letting go is something i'm not good at. i wish i was, then life wouldn't be so hard. i wouldn't constantly be trying to make things work. i guess growing apart is something you would never want to imagine, nor think about. everyone you love is just too important for you to leave behind. but of course, if you're not loved the same way, you're the one standing at the back of the crowd thinking "yeah, i used to know you too". don't think about it, just move on. it's in the past, and forward is where we all aim for.

i don't remember the last time my mouth hurt this much. when i think about it, i don't even know why i used to take so many drugs. the toll it has on your body is just incredible. i feel sore from head to toe! of course that could also be from drinking on saturday night too. when will i ever learn? sigh. someone help me with self control, i really need it.

- r

ice-cream.

say in a crazy, whacked parallel universe things were different.
we could pass each other on the street, make eye contact
i could be the girl of your dreams,
you could be the colour in my b&w life
and this could be some disgusting, cute love story.

but no- in this world, in this reality
we met at the club and made seedy, drunken eye contact
i happened to be a girl who got your attention
you just happened to be caucasian x:
and this turned out to be another typical skanky night

in this particular dimension,, i already have a favourite
and if i was a colour, it would be me.
in this ugly, corrupt world dreams are tainted
and are usually driven by a selfish ulterior motive.
this me redefines selfishness and indifference.

in another world, another me is living my far-fetched dreams.
another me has already met the guy i never will,
a home that's never empty and a father who never yells.
she had the childhood i missed, the innocence i lost
and genuinely believes in a greater good.

if fantasies are another's reality, can it still be a fantasy?
by definition, a fantasy should be purely psychological.
imaginative conceptualisation. all in the head.
what if my reality, was her fantasy?
which would be fantasy and reality? what's real and what's not?
what the hell do i want /:

- jae.

reality check

most people want to travel the world before they die, i want to do it three times. once in my twenties to party, once in my thirties-fourties to live and work, and again when i'm old, retired and wrinkly. i'll wine, dine, sleep and be chauffeured around to see the sites and buy my grandchildren presents and swiss chocolates (:

overly ambitious? maybe but the hopeless, blubbery stuff i'm always ranting on about is way too unrealistic. i will always want things i don't have, that's just me- a greedy, pretentious brat and quite frankly, i'm not prepared to surrender my car, my clothes, my family, my money, my friends, my memories, my anything. they are all mine- mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! you are all mine. no matter how i whinge and wine about not wanting any of it, i'm not prepared to let go of it or any one of you- maybe for a few weeks though (: just for funsies. let's face it- how many guys in perth have french accents and move like they're used to getting around in tight spaces ;)

the thought of it in nice though, without a doubt but this is the twenty-first century- stuff like that just doesn't happen. Cinderella would've been mobbed for her shoes long before she got to that ball, assuming someone didn't steal her carriage first.

bisous, bisous! x
- jae.

wistful desire

"le prix d'amour, c'est seulement amour,
il faut aimer si l'on veut etre aime."
the price of love is simply love, one must love to be loved-
i want to lie at your feet and die in your arms.
- Voltaire

"l'orgueil est le consolateur des faibles."
pride is the consolation of the weak.
- Vauvenargues

i want to party all night at the highest point of Paris, admiring the grandeur of the Basilique du Sacre-Coeur in a drunken stupor and ride the Karusell because that's how he'll make me feel.

i want to wake up in the morning, climb out of his arms to the breath-taking view of the Parisian skyline from the butte Montmartre, only to look back and think "mm, maybe another five minutes".

i want to shop on Boulevard Haussmann and Avenue Montaigne, explore Saint-Ouen's flea market and the west end neighbourhood of Champs-Elysees, where i'll lose time as i stroll down the belles promenades towards the Arc de Triomphe and the Louvre.

then i'll experience gateau and parfait by the Seine that will seduce every taste bud a thousand times over, rivaled only by the debonair sitting across from me.

i want to see where saint Denis was born and be able to immerse myself in the now-contemporary/rural neightbourhood where Monet, Picasso and Van Gogh were inspired, producing timeless pieces.

i want to see where the Cossacks held ground, critical in their invasion of France, taking the reigns of Paris and be overwhelmed by emotion so complex that i'd vaguely understand it.

i want to take in the scenery of the Parisian outskirts, the French countryside and Genevan meadows on the five hour drive to grandmama's in Saint Julien and have home-made gratin dauphinois for dinner.

i want to wake up and find myself completely lost, engulfed in someone else's world, far away from my own - no more nine-to-five job, unseen by familiar eyes. a place where my own life up to that moment doesn't exist, where i'm simply a face with five letter word attached. maybe then i'll finally stop complaining about how perfect it is and actually appreciate it- but if it's so perfect, why do i want so much more.. or should i say less? what if i don't appreciate it? what if i become so infatuated that i want to stay as someone else's mon plus cher? i wonder how selfish i really am...

i want too much..
bisous, jae x

war.

take what you want, say what you mean, do what you feel-
fuck those who care, love those who don't.
live for that moment, learn from the past
don't think about the future.
once the moment is gone, no one will care but you.
whatever the outcome- people may remember, people may not
but you're the one left with that annoying "what if"

think about these, which is the more renowned historical figure-
Schindler or Hitler? Gandhi or Stalin?
past Australian Prime Ministers versus Mussolini or Lenin?
look at cheating, lying, scheming businessmen- they're at the top of the ladder.

sure, you have druggies, criminals whatever who are just bleh~ but they're stupid. except those drug lords you see on underbelly and stuff, they're just gangster /: my point is, as sadistic as Stalin, Hitler or Mussolini may be, they did what they wanted and were remembered- even if it was because they massacred so many people. Australian PMs always did what they thought were the best interest of the public- look what happened to Rudd /: by his own people no less. as for former PMs, i couldn't remember their names even if i had to re-do my history exam.

then again, i guess the world would be a pretty messed up place if everyone thought like i did but that's because majority of people nowadays lack the motivation to do or be anything if they were left to do as they pleased and have the capacity to amount to nothing. not to mention the blatant lack of respect for elders amongst my generation /: as well as social etiquette and many other qualities i won't mention but you get my drift..

i'm not saying everyone is stupid, naive, conceited, deluded and obnoxious, just some- a few are combinations /: harsh? grow a pair and prove me wrong. my head, my world- in my life, i am God and until someone has the balls to tell me otherwise, i quite like this view from the clouds. i probably have all the above traits to be honest but i know where to draw the line.

all this being said- luckily there's only one of me, otherwise the world would have another United League of Nations following the aftermath of a WWIII x:

- jae.

push.

and on the way home i cried to depressing songs.
i was afraid i was gonna hit something hey :/
just like in the movies, when the girl is driving away from heartbreak and she's like sobbing her eyes out. then BAM she gets hit by a truck or some shit. i didn't want that to be me, but the chances were pretty high. coz my nose is still runny :(

sometimes i think that it just wasn't meant to be. two completely different worlds colliding? is it really a good idea? i don't know if opposites actually attract. and i don't know if i'm ever meant to be with anyone at all. i need to grow up. before i push this too far.

- r

sleep.

i don't want to be this way,
i think i need more sleep.

- r

always.

first the worst,
second the best,
third the what? :/

coming second. that's how it's always gonna be.
no quite sure that it's really the best though.

- r

tranny.

why so awesome for g-tran? :$

love.

what is love? is love unconditional or something teenagers feel for the first six months of a relationship until they grow bored of the person they're with?
what's the difference between loving your family, friends or your other half? is there even one? love is supposed to be unconditional, yet so many people i know don't love each other forever. it's always up to the other to keep it going. whether it's loving your best friend, loving your girlfriend, loving your boyfriend, loving your brother even.
what is this unknown emotion? people say it so freely, yet do they really know what it is? you may think you're falling in love when you meet "the one". but is it really love, or merely attraction on it's own? you're not attracted to your family (well i would hope not), yet you love them so much. unconditionally. how can you love someone else the same way?

- r

tomorrow.

(i know this is cliche but-) tomorrow is always so near yet we never quite get there, so what's the rush? everyone's always running around, so busy doing this, doing that, always having to be somewhere but does anyone really know where they 'have' to go? sometimes you need to slow down and enjoy the scenery, tomorrow will always be tomorrow no matter how fast you try to get there- so what's the harm in just one more day?

- jae.

shut up!

just stop with your stupid fucking plans. i don't want to hear any of it anymore. the more you open your mouth, the more i lose respect for you. i don't think you understand how much everybody gives up and puts up with for you. you do things on the spur of the moment, not knowing how much it's going to effect the rest of us. it's not fair. you've done it before, and now you want to do it again. your promises mean shit.

- r

not over you.

need.

i don't think you need me,
as much as i need you.

- r

bitch.

i don't know why the smaller things are getting to me these days. i think i need to stop being such a bitch.

-r

corner.

you never know what's around the corner. never expect anything from anyone, because you never know if they're gonna be around forever. and be prepared for hard times, because in the end it's up to you to piece it all back together. don't lose hope, don't lose yourself and grow as much as you can. life is all about experience, don't let the bad things bring you down.

- r

spoons.

oh good old high school days and the things that amused us all.

dick.

there's a point where enough is enough. i've always had so much patience with you and yet it's just not enough. even when i don't see you, you're still trying to bring me down. does it amuse you? making me feel this way? i don't know what i could have possibly done to make you like this, but this is seriously just enough for me. i'm so over pretending that everything is okay. and the way you treat me is okay. i don't know what ever could have happened but this is far from tough love. you're just a fucking dickhead.

- r

best.

we've been together for a very long time, longer than i ever would have expected <3

pasar malam.

how dare you fags drive there without me :( LOL

don't go.

baby, please don't go
if i wake up tomorrow, will you still be here?
i don't know, if you feel the way i do.
if you leave i'm gon' find you.
baby please don't go go, go go.

yep.

this is going to be interesting.

too much?

when can you tell when you've had too much of something?
well, i can tell when i've had too much food. i feel full.
i can tell when i've had too much sun. i turn super black.
i can tell when i've been going out "too much". my mum starts to ignore me.
i can tell when i've been a lazy fuck. my room gets too messy.
i can tell when i've been wasting too much money. i get poor.
but how can i tell now? maybe time will tell.

- r

thought.

inspiration, where do i find it?

- r

games.

i'm not sadistic,
i just like to play games.
seeing the way people react to different things amuse me. not in a way i want to see them hurt. but in a way that i can see who they really are.

- r

daydream.

the blank expression on my face is probably not because i'm thinking too hard. but because i'm not thinking at all. what the fuck have i been doing my whole life?
i live in a daydream..

- r

naive.

i think i had an epiphany today. i've found myself quite unmotivated lately, in terms of uni- seriously, i'm like barely passing my units D: i feel like a hypocrite, friends always ask me about changing courses and if i ever regret wasting x amount of time. i've always replied "no, because now i don't hate waking up for uni because i don't mind what i'm doing" which is true but i think that, in the back of my mind, i'm going to keep regretting not taking that break after high school. i won't make excuses- it's not because i think i deserve it, i'm just a slacker that would've preferred to take a year off to work, travel and shop before going back to a routine i had already been doing for 12 consecutive years.
i told mama that i might not go back to uni next year, her being okay with this isn't making me want to try any harder but my mentality is that i have the rest of my life, or at least my 20s, to make up for a messed up semester or two of uni, i can't make up for not living my teens to the fullest. i know what i'm like, i'd regret forcing myself to study now and being discontent more than i'd regret coming back to my second year when i'm 20.
i guess no matter how much i protest the idea, at the end of the day i'm still a little girl who hangs off her mama's every word, eagerly waiting to be praised after every chore.. just because i do 'grown-up' things means nothing. call me a skank, hoe, whore, whatever. i really couldn't care less what you think, my extra-curricula activities keep me occupied enough ;) and even you seem to find them more fascinating than your own, i don't see why what i do behind closed doors should concern you- unless it's your boyfriend. to me, they're all just fun and games. i like fun and games (: oh, and ice-cream.. and cake :D i had ice-cream for breakfast today, omnomnom.

- jae.

love me better.

say that i'm the realest, one you ever met.
but boy this is the realest, thing i ever said.
if you give me the world it won't mean nothing.
coz if you leave my world then i won't have nothing.
and this is from my heart, this is from my soul.
lovers may come, lovers may go.
but i don't worry 'bout a thing, coz as long as we're together
babe i know, i know, i know, no one's gonna love me better.

spoilt.

my head's been way up in the clouds lately but with weather this perfect, how could it not be? i do think i need to come back down though. if i continue like this, the only lasting relationships i'll have is with my vuitton belt, armani bag, my eau de parfum collection and my addiction to sweets and pastries- not to mention my fascination with all other things european ;) so basically, things that aren't restricted to a specific season.
mama needs to stop princess-ing me D: people not to stop agreeing with me. argue back, stop letting me have my way, don't let me give you attitude- be stubborn and unreasonable, make me angry (it's not that hard), test our friendship and see how far i'll go for you.
you all make my life too easy, too perfect, too boring.

- jae.

plastic.

gots a spray tan today, quite like it (h) the lady is super cute
her name is panda (: and her son is super hot, TEHEHEHE.
also, i think i met THE sexiest man alive last night-
<3 topless waiters, but they're all probably skanks.
not that i can talk :/
i think i'm turning plastic ):
is this bad..?

- jae.

blog.

there's just too many thoughts in my mind that i can't even group them all into one thing in one blog entry. there's this, and that, and that, and this. what does it all mean to me? i really don't know.
a lot has happened in these past few weeks. for a moment there i thought i had lost something that i held so close to my heart that i thought i was going to breakdown, never to be seen again. and then all of a sudden it's all come back together. i know it won't ever be the same. but you know, you learn from experiences in your life. not from what other people tell you. you take what you have and you use it. take the advice people pass on to you but figure things out for yourself. and always remember who you are to begin with and why you are this way. because no matter how much people try or do influence you, it's still your life and not theirs. and decisions you make effect you more than anyone.
man, i don't even know how this blog became about all this in depth bullshit. i guess that's what really always runs through my mind all the time :/

i find it amusing when people over analyse things and i hear about it. makes me wonder why that thought even arose in their minds. i know i over analyse things, but that's just because i'm an idiot. and i get worried and paranoid over things too easily. and taking those drugs probably didn't help the situation. nothing i do probably helps any situation. luckily, i have great friends and family surrounding me. so that whenever that does happen, i realise it and know how to keep it together. or at least try to. i feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have the same thing. but i guess that's what makes me, me. and you, you.

- r

life.

fuck my life hey.

- r

die.

this weekend is going to be total suicide for my body. i'm already feeling fucking sick. and now i gotta go out and party. oh noes! :( LOL. just kidding.
It's one of my favourite times of the year, GODSKITCHEN ;D best memories at this event. and i plan to keep collecting more. oh trance music how i love you <3 hahaha. paramore is this sunday too! Hayley Williams please sex me you wranga sex bomb! :X

- r

where.

it's a been a while. where have you gone baby? :(

- r

why?

why do you do the things you do? i will never know. it's sort of irritating. but then again, who knows what the hell you want? sure i'll never know that either. and maybe that's a good thing. don't think i wanna know anyways, ughh.

some dreams i have seem so real that i really do expect them to happen. it makes me sorta sad. but what can you do? maybe it's my subconscious telling me something? :O

f.

go fuck yourself.

hoes.

there are people that are your bros. and there are people that are your hoes. can you still have hoes when you're in love? i dunno. but it seems like you have. i have more bros over anything. and they're always going to be around. even if they say stupid things, or do stupid things. i'm still gonna be around too. i don't know how hoes sticking around works though. i guess they just hover hey. hm. cool story bro.

- r

crushed.

you know those little crushes when you see someone around here and they know a few people you know blah blah blah. they don't phase you much but when you see them it's like "nawuh, you're so cute :3 i want to eat you". i had one of those, then i found out he's a model. totally mind-blown. kaboom- there goes my chance :/

- jae.

hurt.

you don't seem to understand. and neither do i. something is clearly wrong with me. i know that. and i'm sorry. things can't be taken back, and sometimes it's a good thing. but this time is it really? i won't know until the day comes. i know i won't do what i said i wouldn't but you still don't seem to believe me. and that's your choice. even though it may have hurt. the truth hurts sometimes. and i know that. and just because it hurts it doesn't mean that everything should change.
everyone sees things in different perspective, but i want you to see it from mine. just a little. the last thing i wanted to do was to hurt you, and hearing about it makes me cry. being a crybaby isn't easy you know, my eyes hurt too. making me feel guilty isn't going to make things better either, it may just make it worse. because the more i feel like this. the more i won't want to do anything at all. i really do love you. loving someone like me isn't easy.

i'm lucky to have someone like you. you've stuck by me through thick and thin. and i love and respect you for that. knowing that you'll catch me when i fall is the best thing i could ever think of. even through all the shit, and through all the people i've known and met. you are the only one. and i couldn't be happier with the way things are with us. i know you're gonna be by my side for a long long time. longer than him anyway. coz he's just a cunt. a cunt in disguise because everyone else is yet to realise what he really is. fucking dick. LOL

- r

grown.

so over this juvenile bullshit, anyone who thought i was a bitch before is gonna want me dead now. i know my honesty was harsh at times but i actually thought people would respect that. fuck this, i'm over being the nice bitch, you call me your 'best friend' then turn around to your partner and say you can't trust me, then come running to me about your problems. if you can't trust us, i hope you end up alone and when you come crawling back to me like you've been doing these past six years, i'm just gonna kick you to the ground and laugh. bitch? damn straight. you arseholes made me this way.

- jae.

tired.

so tired of listening.
so tired of reading.
so tired of talking.
so tired of everything.

i wish i wasn't so tired of it all. sometimes i wish i didn't have anything to be tired of. but then where would my life be? i guess it brings some sort of excitement to my life. but that's just sad. maybe i'm just thinking too much, that's probably it. i get like this some days and it bothers me. i wish the people i used to have were all still here. it's like i don't know myself anymore without them around me. they were my life, and now they're gone. thanks a lot.

- r

skank.

we may be two of metros biggest skanks. look out little boys :X LOL

grow.

whatever you think. it's probably not true. i want to get over this, and know that things are better. they don't need to be "good", ever. too much has been said and heard and frankly if you don't like what you hear, you should actually put it aside and ask. i don't bite, unless i'm drunk (sorry sago and mervyn!). you may not like me, and that's your choice. just don't go thinking that i feel the same. because i am not you. think for yourself. it helps.

- r

back.

it's like this. rewind, fast forward to where it stopped. and that's where we are. is this going to be a fairytale or a nightmare? only time will tell.

- r

deathtron300.

today i ate a burger. i'm pretty sure it was starting to make me hallucinate, shake and give me the shivers. like i was getting sick, or pinging. it was some fucked up shit. no joke.
you take the first bite, and its like "oh yeah. it's all good bit hot." second bite is like "goddaym this thing is getting fkn hot." third bite is like "OH MY FUCKING GOD GET ME A FUCKING DRINK BEFORE MY FACE LIGHTS ON FIRE AND I STICK MY HEAD IN A MOTHERFUCKING BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!" so, in saying that. i went and grabbed a 600mL carton of chocolate milk. i had 11mins to eat this fucker, instead i used that 10 remaining mins to drink my chocolate. my mouth was burning so bad that i had to rip open the carton to get more milk in my mouth. that plan didn't work, coz i ended up tipping all the milk down my top.
meanwhile, meng and ea shared the less hotter one. ea was fine. meng on the other hand was sweating, he looked like he got rained on. george had already eaten his burger.
meanwhile! stupid me had touched my fucking eye with the fingers i ate the burger with! minh told me not to touch my face, but i'm an idiot. so i raced to the toilet and washed my eye out. i seriously thought i was going to be blind in one eye. and i was crying in agony. i came back out. and all i see is george and ea sweating as much as meng was. they cried and died too :) EOS.

presence.

i miss you. come back for a little while please. i just want to be in your presence, just for a while. like the way it used to be.

-r

Just the way you are.

His eyes make the stars look like they're not shining
His hair sits perfectly without him trying
He's so wonderful and I'd tell him everyday
I know if I compliment him, he won't believe me
It's so sad to think that he don't see what I see
But if he ever asks me "Do I look okay?", I'll say;
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole stops and stares for a while
'Cause, boy, you're amazing just the way you are.
His lips, I could kiss them all day if he'd let me
His laugh, he hates but I think it's so sexy
He's so wonderful and I'd tell him everyday
You know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So if you ever ask me if you look okay, you know what I'll say..

- jae.

trust.

and now i don't know where i stand. or where i want to actually. because if i get too close again it just might blow right back into my face. "be careful of who you get close to. because one day you'll get on their bad side, they'll remember every secret you told them. everything you confided in them. and they'll use it to their advantage." so basically, figure out who you can, and cannot trust. coz it's one of the most important things in every relationship. but i guess that's just common sense right?

on another note, i don't know what it's gonna be like when you come back. are things gonna be weird? or should i just forgive, and pretend to forget? :S

- r

photo.

everybody wants to take pictures and photos with the ones they like/love just so they can have that memory of that day/moment in time. just so that when that moment in time seems so distant, or even just a memory, you can look back on it and remember all the good times you had. and all the good things in life. but in reality, why do you need all those photos and pictures? when the ones you really do love, are always going to be in your heart?

(unless you have a heart attack or die of course :X)

- r

down.

sometimes in life, the ones you thought that would never let you down are the ones that do. and the ones you expect to let you down, are the ones that don't. the ones that mean the most to me, are the ones that i don't know what to expect from. because even though everything appears fine from the outside, behind closed doors it's a whole different matter. what am i supposed to do now? when all i hear and see are as unpleasant as i can handle?

- r

expectations.

sometimes the best things that happen to you in life are the ones you don't expect. actually, scratch that. a lot of the time the best things that happen to you are the ones you don't expect. except maybe if you get prego with someones random child. although, looking on the bright side that actually could be a good thing. that baby may end up being the light of your life, and the reason for your existence.
but then there's times where what you never expected would happen, happens. and your life starts to crumble around you and you wonder how you got there. and how you're going to get out. i guess that's why i always know to keep myself protected from such unexpected things, so that when it starts to crumble i can just grab my shovel and dig my way back out before i die in the dirt. but right now i don't know where the fuck i put my shovel, so i'm hoping that not everything is going to go crumbling down. perhaps i should invest in a superhero too? :/

- r

happy.

oh fat cat you have made my day :)

food.

i want to eat. but should i? :O

you.

say all these words. test my emotions. in the end i'm still the one who's left with that sinking feeling. i don't care if you think it's stupid, because that's how i am. you wouldn't understand that though. because you don't know me. and now i feel like i don't want to know you. it's probably me being insecure, childish, or being just a plain sook. but you know, why do that when i would never do that to you?
it's because of all of these things i've become who i am today. find me about two years prior to this and i wouldn't have been that girl that stands there and analyzes everything you do and say. because back then i believed everyone was a good person. i clearly stand corrected. it's people like you that make me insecure. it's people like you that i can't trust. it's people like you that i don't want to be around..

- r

independent.

i live by my own rules, with my own consequences. my accomplishments, my failures all result from my own decisions, made by me. my downfall will be my own making, no one else, as will my success. so when it's my time to shine you best get hell out of my way, bitch. all these things are, and will be, mine and mine alone.
don't worry, you can be my superstar and i'll be your limelight. together, we're the life of the club, addicted to the night-life. just remember one thing though, without me you're just another pretty nameless face on the dark dancefloor but i'll always shine, with or without you. don't forget whose show this is.

- jae.

tooth.

see that cute black tooth? yeah, i don't have it :( instead, i won two of my own toys. i'm so cool. :D

meng's hands look so manly/vainy :|

- r

roads.

dearest r,

in reply to your query-
i've never believed that you can make people stay, everyone has certain times in life when they feel closer to certain people. it's hardly ever that you'll meet someone who'll hold your hand the whole way through but when you do, you know never to let go. everyone has their own roads to go down, just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not there though. sometimes yours will have turns and obstacles which make you feel like you've fallen behind, sometimes theirs will. try closing your eyes and holding your hand out, someone is bound to grab it. then when the fog clears up, you'll realise that no one really went anywhere to begin with.

and definitely stories sometime soon (: i like stories.

- jae. xx

urgh.

i don't know who looks out for who these days. everyone is being a jerk.

- r

email.

dearest jae,
we are in the 21st century. so i'm sending you an email. not a godamn letter! hahah. but your letter was very touching, i have tears in my eyes :< i'm such a sook sometimes. no, i'm a sook a lot of the time. a cry baby too. i really need to get my emotions under control, coz crying is not fun when you have make up on. and a runny nose isn't fun either. so i think i should just stop, and listen to some GLEE! LOL
i miss you so jae, we need to catch up! and you need to tell me your stories. oh how i've missed them.i miss everyone's stories, sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on so much. but these days all i do is sleep, eat, fast, go toilet, work and break things. sighface.
the memories we have will never fade, that's how much you mean to me :) but sometimes it feels like everyone is drifting away, and i don't know how to make them drift back. suggestions?

- r

doodoo.

it was fun while it lasted but i think i'm gonna call it quits. you're no good for me, i didn't think i'd let it get to me this much. it started off as something physical but turned into something more. i lose my composure when you're around, you somehow get the best of me and i do things i regret in the morning.
together, we're sickeningly adorable. i become so child-like and naive, needing your constant attention and content with nothing else. to my pleasure, you give in to my childish demands, let down your douche-bag exterior and reveal someone i wasn't expecting to find.
apart, we could start our own soap opera. when the doors open, our walls come back up. my hot-headedness gets ahead of me and you have to bear the grunt. your douche-bag exterior doesn't help with my insecurities and neither do those stupid little girls chasing you around.
we're both too proud and egotistical, there is no middle-ground and neither of us are going to change. i don't want you to be just another chapter in my life, i don't want another messed-up story to start just so it can end because i know it will, so i won't let it.
it turns out this was more than a mere obsession but don't get me wrong, walking away from this now couldn't be any easier.

- jae.

letter.

dearest r,
i know this seems completely random and strange but i wanted to write something about how i've missed you and how fond i am of the memories we have together (: and since we share this blog, i thought this would be most appropriate.
i know lately we haven't been spending much time together, we both have our own lives and things to do but there isn't a day that you don't come to mind. even though we haven't known each other that long, you come before many others that i've known longer and you always will (: being one of my best friends, i hate seeing you troubled and not being able to do anything about it but know that i'm always ten digits away. even if i don't know what to say, i'll just sit there and be sad with you.

- jae.

sometimes.

sometimes i miss you so much it hurts. and the fact i can't even do what i said i would hurts me even more. i don't know how to fix it. help me. coz i still love you, even if you don't think i do.

- r

let it go.

let it go. it's not that big of a deal. and if you think it is, that's too bad for you. coz i don't think like that. and i thought you did too. whatever happens from now on, will help me see how things really are. coz lately things have been a little blurry. but as soon as things go back to how they were, we can see how it goes.

yay my parents are back. i wonder how long it's gonna be until they start to drive me crazy again. but for now, i'm really liking the home made food and the chats with my mummy. she's a funny woman. :)

- r

obsessed.

I think it's funny when girls think they actually have feelings for someone but then it turns out to be some sort of sick infatuation. I know I have no feelings what-so-ever for you but for some reason when you're around everything turns upside down- I mumble, I stutter, I don't know what to say, butterflies in my stomache go out of control, my knees get weak and trust me, the redness on my face isn't the blush. When I don't see you, I wonder where you are- Why? I don't really care, I just want to know?
Someone once told me "it's almost impossible for girls to distinguish between physical and emotional attraction", it's so true. I liked what I saw and I want more- plain and simple. You're like a Krispy Kreme. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway, the only difference is a Krispy Kreme has never gotten away from me. As I've said before, emotions are just a way our minds keep themselves from getting bored.

You are my sick obsession.

- jae.

right.

and no matter how hard i try, this will never go away. and no matter how much you try to reassure me, i will never be reassured. i'm sorry i can't help that but that's just the way it is. so all i can do is just wait for the inevitable to happen, so i can prove you wrong and tell you i'm right.

- r

four steps.

the four steps of life hey. we'll see if that works. so far it's going okay. losing people and knowing who is gonna stay is a tough job, but everyone needs to go through it. including you. i don't want you to think i'm leaving you to fend on your own, and i don't want you to think i don't care about you. coz i do. i just want you to have your own life, to be independent and be the person i know you can be. don't be scared to talk to me, you know i'm always here for you no matter what happens. and don't you go forgetting that!

my sudden change of heart isn't for the benefit of you. it's for the benefit of everyone. haters can hate and lovers can love. i know that i'm not a hater, i don't even know why i seemed like i was changing into one. i'm sorry.

- r

"Crave You" - Flight Facilities

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you.
Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you, the next, you are gone.
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage,
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage.
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you.

- jae.

intentions.

have never really meant anything to me. people always say "atleast their heart is in the right place" or "their intentions were good" blah blah blah, shut the fuck up. if they honestly meant it, they'd do it- intentions are meaningless unless you act on them and if you want it bad enough, you'll make it happen. everybody has the potential to accomplish wonderous feats, they just don't realise it and like everything else - if other people are to recognise your potential, you must do so first.

- jae.

awkwardddd

i don't know what it is but this is starting to feel a bit awkward. how about we give it some time and space and see if this is still the same? drifting away may happen, but it always does right? SIGH.

my mum and dad left this morning. i'm sorta sad :/

- r

kisses.

i can't believe how many people i was being nice to last night. how fucked up. that is so not me. where the fuck have i gone! :( i don't remember much, but i know pres was fucking awesome. metros is a blur, after metros was an even bigger blur. and i'm hungry right now. my brain is so slow this blog is such a struggle to write. HAHAHA. holy shit i woke up drunk this morning, fml.

right, i remember the purpose of this blog now! i had a very strange dream this morning. i don't know if this dream is like, fucked up or just funny? why do i always dream of kissing boys? LOL. i guess since i'm not easymack in real life anymore, i'm still easymack in my dreams ;D

- r

happy.

say what you want- it's not like i'll hear it anyway, you'll make sure of it. it's okay because at the end of the day i'd rather be a happy slut than a frigid bitch hating on other girls for being everything i'm not- happy, care-free, outspoken- all while not being obnoxious, now that takes skill. ;)

- jae.

idiot.

is it a bad sign that i'm questioning our friendship? or is it just a phase i'm going through? i really hope it's a phase because if it's not i'm going to lose someone that means too much to me, and someone i've been through way too much with. i guess i've just been bitchy and grumpy lately. sorry everybody. but something is seriously going on in this brain of mine. and my nice side is definitely losing the battle :(

i really don't want to throw the relationship we have away. but you're really making it hard for me. dickhead. yeah, that's what you are to me right now. and i hope you get hurt again, just so you learn. and you come running back for help and find no one will be there to help you piece everything back together. have fun (y)

- r

quote.

" Be the change you wish to see in the world. "
- Gandhi

jae.

smelly.

maybe you make a big deal out of nothing. and then when something should be a big deal, it's supposed to be something. i can't tell the difference. the line is too blurry, but i know it exists. i think i should just let everything go, and watch everything fall into place. or out. i'll never know.

my theatre smells like roses. i don't like that smell very much. but it doesn't matter. coz i love the boy who gave them to me :3

- r

future.

what is yet to come? i have no fucking idea. but i probably should be prepared for it.

- r

sober.

So, this is the first entire weekend I've spent at home in a looooooooooooooong time and I've realised why I've felt the need to be out and intoxicated constantly. Actually, it came up a couple of days ago but I just shrugged it off- until it came up in conversations with friends who insisted that I give it more consideration, rather than just a mere "meh". It's something I'd rather not talk or think about much because the more I do, the more I begin to question myself- and I don't like being questioned, even by myself D:<

Sometimes, when I sit down to look in the mirror, I notice there's a bottle of jager 'conveniently' obscuring my line of vision. Sigh. I was watching Gossip Girl before- I love the narration (: she's so clever- anywho, she said something that I really, really like:
" If we hold on to the past too tight, the future may never come. "
I'm sure a handful of you just figured out what's been bothering me now.

- jae.

bruno.

bruno mars - pretty sure you have the best smile EVER. perfect teeth! O:

safe and sorry.

clear your head, don't let others influence you.
think for yourself, it's your own life.
let haters hate, and lovers love.
pretend everything is okay when they're not to protect the ones you care about.
don't think too much, thinking causes horrible consequences.
give everybody chances, but not too many.
keep the ones you love close to you, you never know when they could leave.
listen to more than one opinion, but make decisions of your own.
don't let people fool you, in the end everyone is only thinking about their own happiness.
let bitches bitch, but remember not to become one.
remember who you are girl, you are NOT one of them.
don't forget that!

- r

worry.

this feeling is worrying. what if it doesn't go away?

- r

dance.

I'll lock the door, bury the key and hide myself away to see who will find me while I'm dancing the night away in the drunken crowds. My life is an open dancefloor, tear it up people because I won't be sober enough to remember any of this by the end of the song.

- jae.

one day.

i don't like how you think the world should revolve around you. maybe it's good that we're not friends. and maybe what i have, is what you want. i'll never really know until the day comes. no matter what, you are not as special as you make yourself out to be. don't kid your self darling. there will always be people better than you, i hope you realise that. and before you ever do, you're just a fake bitch in my eyes.

half the year has passed, and things have changed like i never thought they would. all i know is that i like how things are right now. but one day it's going to come to an end. and when that day comes, i'll already be gone..

- r

walk away.

don't give me a reason to walk away. coz right now i feel like i should. all this shit has been building up and starting to drive me insane. you aren't good for my well being. yet i need you in my life.

- r

weekend.

so this is what my weekend has come to. no metros. no drinking. no dancing. no skanking. still less sleep. and still a runny nose. sigh. i'm so ave. i feel so lonely. i'm just gonna chill at home and watch world cup final on my own, with this shit asshole motherfucking rain pouring down. fuck i hate winter!

- r

standards.

i'd rather end up alone than settle for less.
i'm sick and tired of this mediocre life.

- jae.

change.

i see it happening but i can't do anything to stop it. this time, i hope it's just in my head because i don't know if i can handle another one. seems like i still need my superhero..

- jae.

sickening.

fuck this weather hey. pretty sure i've gotten sick from that stupid walk down albany highway last night with two losers who couldn't choose where they wanted to eat! motherfucking rage. you both owe me cough medicine or something! >:( and LOL at aaron at skulling $3.50 wine. very good friend, very good. $30 food coupon which expires 30th of august. keep it well :) hahah.

i hate you and your catchy songs glee!

- r

memory.

i only uploaded this photo coz simone doodle told me to upload some photos. i guess i'll be doing this more often then :) hahaha. SUP S-MON.
also, this photo is hell funny. just like joshy's face :X

- r

cry.

the more i think about it the more i feel like this isn't going to last. you, me and everyone else just don't go together. maybe going back to the way it was, that's how it should be. because even after all this time, i still see you trying to please everyone else and i'm still standing here trying to deal with this myself. without you. what i hear from other people will never change. you will never change. i don't know how much longer i can last anymore. it hurts.

- r

facts of life.

"germany and poland combined make pomany.
england and ukraine combined make enkraine.
china and aboriginals combined make wilson.
facts of life."

HAHAHAHAH. man you made my day :)

- r

doubt.

so now we're in a situation i never thought we would experience. you say everything is fine but i can see it's not. you always told me not to listen to everyone elses opinions and think for myself. now it's your turn. if you don't trust me enough then obviously you don't know me. and i don't know you. something like this shouldn't ruin everything. but i guess we'll just wait and see if you really do love me. because right now, all i can sense is doubt.

- r

cramp.

people will always look for the easiest way out, little do they realise that it's only temporary. it's just about as effective as turning your head the other way. eventually, you'll have to turn back.

- jae.

lie.

"just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts.
just gonna stand there and hear my cry,
but that's alright because i love the way you lie.
i love the way you lie."

friendship.

being a good friend is hard at times. i don't mean to change who i am. i guess it just happened unexpectedly, and that's what hurt the most. i know how that feels. but getting angry at what i do or say and not telling me what is wrong isn't going to solve anything. i'm just going to get angry at you for not trying to sort things out with me. i will admit it, i love you. these days those three words mean much more to me than you will ever comprehend. if you ever hear it from me in person. it's true. i really do. so don't try to protect me with your hurtful thoughts and feelings, i want to feel them too, and i want to understand what has changed. i hate change, so don't change just because you believe i have.

- r

lazy.

despite my last bitchy blog, life is good (: i'm not the type to bottle things up, if i have a problem with you i will make it obvious, very damn obvious. last night helen told me she likes to read blogs, i guess that's a reason i'm writing this seemingly pointless one right now, so she'll have something to read when she gets back from camp (: anywhoo, unexpected day off today, so i decided to relax (: i haven't been this lazy for a looooooooooooooong time and i love it. today i woke up, ate, lazed around, went 'shopping' and bought a new vest but then got lazy and went home. when i got home i ate, again, and laid - yes, laid - on the couch all afternoon watching tv. now chilling in bed because it's warm (: with my vanilla sencha, a book, my laptop and my favourite tedbear- i haven't even been to the gym yet :/ oh well, back to my normal routine tomorrow! ..or maybe i should go now, i feel quite fat and lazy hahah

- jae.

game.

don't play the game unless you think you can win. you'll just end up wasting your time and getting hurt. i learned that the hard way. i don't regret it, but i think people should spare themselves the hurt. unless, you actually think you can win, then you're just fucked in the head. i don't think you understand, what's mine is mine. not what's mine is yours. i don't want to share anything with you. go find your own shit. you don't see me trying to take yours. bitch.

on a lighter note. i think i'm going to have one of my bestfriends back :) but actions speak louder than words. please don't let me down this time around. you may make me cry once again. i don't think i have laughed that hard in such a short period of time in a while. this is why i always keep you close.

- r

bitch.

damn straight i am. boo hoo, go have your cry. just not where i can see you please, the sight of your demented face makes me cringe.

and to everyone else who thinks i'm a bitch- if you're not going to take the time to understand why, then i'm not going to waste my breath explaining when you've already passed judgement. think what you like, i will too.


- jae.

compliments.

so recently i found myself in a a situation, simply put; i was played, big time. when confronted about it, to be honest i didn't know what to say or do, i've never been in that situation before. my confusion turned into a blinding, murderous anger- ask anyone that was around at the time (: it's true. then i was approached by the (at the time) girlfriend. i admired her ability to keep her cool and actually talk to me to find things out- if i were her, i would've smashed my skull in before i got the chance to open my mouth :/ then again, it's not like i knew about them. i guess it was complete luck things turned out the way they did, that she didn't turn out to be a manipulative, lying, cheating whore like him otherwise things would've been different- who knows how many assault charges i'd have at this moment.

in all honesty, i was still confused as hell when she approached me, just not so angry but i figured that if both of us still were hung up about the whole situation, neither of us would get anywhere. so instead, i faked a strong front, or one stronger than the one i was fronting at the time. i became a person that i knew we both needed but something she said completely threw me off- really, how often do you hear the (then-)girlfriend telling the 'other woman' "you're so amazing, no wonder everyone loves you (: i can see why [he] cheated"- HOW THE HELL DO YOU SAY THAT SMILING?! even after the conversation i still feel flustered repeating it- she actually made me blush tt"

the point of this story? well;
- i find being strong is far easier when you have someone to be strong for whether friends, family or a special someone.
- being so honest can be bad sometimes, people will take advantage of you. being played is no excuse to turn into a fuckhead who's inconsiderate about other people's feelings. those low enough to cheat will cheat no matter what, some just wait for a reason to come along. those who bounce back after such an ordeal and remain the same, i believe, deserve a round of applause (: COS I AM AWESOME LIKE THAT. nothing and no one will change me. the people that stand by me are there for a reason, i'm not going to change that and neither should you.

..and uhm, yeah :D end of story.


- jae.

shush.

what you do and say are two very important things. show me that you love me. don't just say it. actions are only a bit louder than words. what you do just reinforces how i feel about the situation.
i may do a lot of things. but that is one thing i will always struggle to do. there will always be doubt in my mind. even when everything seems fine, i always know some shits gonna go down just around the motherfucking corner.

- r

Mary Schmich.

Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen
would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved
by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this
advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You
will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until
they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at
photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much
possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You
are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying
is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things
that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you
at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead,
sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's
only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank
statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with
your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22
what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most
interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them
when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the
funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it
or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument
you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living
room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel
ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone
for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your
past and the people most likely to stick with you in the
future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people
who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you
soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians
will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll
fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust
fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when
either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it
will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over
the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

i like this, very much (:
- jae.

hah.

same shit, different day, different loser -
you're no different from the rest, just another whore.

- jae.

hair.

last week i laughed at aaron because his hair looked funny. i didn't mean to be a bitch, but that's just what i do. today i tried and failed to fix my own hair. now i look like a fob. i guess that it was karma for laughing at aaron. coz when i showed him my hair. he laughed too. then i showed other people. they laughed too. including simon du! so maybe, karma will get everyone else back for laughing at my hair. that will be the day.

- r

truth.

sometimes hearing the truth hurts. do you know why? because it's something you didn't want to hear. but why didn't you want to hear it? was it because it's something you didn't expect? no. it's because you expected it, but because of your own insecurities you decided that it wasn't the truth. until you hear it from the persons mouth.
i know things have changed, but that still won't protect me from being hurt. just thinking of it makes me upset. i admit i get upset easily, but i have a legitimate reason this time. maybe this time, it WILL fall apart..

- r

choice.

sometimes i like sitting on the train. the train gives me time to think while drowning out the rest of the world with my ipod cranked to the highest it can get. i look at the river, the freeway, the people, the city and wonder if anyone else is doing the same as i am? i don't know if this is a good thing, but it's a good time for me to sit and ponder on the world. not the usual shit you would have conversations with people about, but what really matters to you the most in life and why it does.
i don't know what the ideal lifestyle for me is anymore. i always thought that getting married, having children and living in a huge old house was the best thing. but i don't know anymore? people can make choices in life, i know that. but what happens when those choices effect the people around you in a bad way? it's your life. live it. but without those people you cared about, what life do you have? i definitely would NOT want to be a loner hobo sitting on the side of the road waiting for someone to give me money just because of a decision i made for my own life.

so when do you really get to make your own decisions of where you're heading? or are you always constantly doing things for the people around you?

- r

godskitchen.

i don't want to go anymore ): i just want to stay home; no make-up, hair tied, jumper, trackies, socks and a bottle of bb riesling, all warm and toastie in my blankie with my cuddle buddy :3 checking out the hot football players in the world cup opening ceremony, tehehehe.. sigh, i just really cbf'ed :/ i'm in desperate need of some serious down time.

also, i've noticed i'm quite noctivagant. maybe that's just what i do best- wander about aimlessly only to realise my time and effort wasted in the end, the entire experience completely pointless as i recognise the familiar surroundings of my sanctuary. oh well, it was a fun joy ride, i guess (:

- jae.

Play.

Just because we tell ourselves we are, or are not, something doesn't mean that we are - we'd just like to think so. Body and Mind are two completely separate entities condemned to share one physical vessel. The Mind will indoctrinate the Body into believing what it wants and as a result, the actions of the Body ultimately become a mere farce; a foolish play directed by a conniving Mind to humour the selfish bitch called Life. The Mind uses the Body as a sanctuary in which it hides itself from the physical realm, looking out through its spyglass - the Body's Eyes. It stays in hiding essentially because it is afraid. Afraid that other Minds may think judge it to be ugly, unappealing, unattractive, hate it or even worse - love it, then leave it. It's the same for every Body, the only difference is the lies the Mind tells to hide this universal fear - Maybe this is why people say you can see a person's soul in their eyes.

- jae.

wrong.

i got older the other day. i don't feel any different. besides the fact i got sick. and now i am once again, bed ridden. :(
i have also decided i am going to join the gym. winter is the devil. it makes me want to eat more and sleep more. then as a consequence, weigh more. super sad face. so now i have more time on my hands, but i'm still tired as hell. something is definitely wrong with me hey. maybe i should go to the doctor :X
for some reason everyone is like, in love? is it the love year this year or something? coz everywhere i look, people are all like "i love youuu". love is gross. it makes people do bad things. bad things in cars, bad things in hotel rooms, bad things in bedrooms, bad things in bathrooms. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PURITY PEOPLE!? BRING BACK PURITYYYY!

- r

learn.

anyone stupid enough to give their heart away deserves to have it broken. anyone whose had their trust betrayed is entitled to revenge. maybe two wrongs don't make a right but since when was life ever fair? the heart-breaker gets his fill from the tears of the broken, are the heart-broken not entitled to their own emotional gratification? who are you to judge what's 'wrong' and what's 'right' - are you god? i didn't think so. let people be, they'll learn in time on their own accord, even if it's the hard way.

- jae.

consequence.

so now i'm regretting what i did. but things you do always have consequences. i'm definitely paying for it now. shit happens though.
now that i'm getting what i used to have, back, i'm pretty content where everything has fallen. it's not into place, but where it is is good enough for right now. i'm going to miss my children. i almost cried when i had to leave them on thursday! maybe one day i can come back, and not have to feel the heartbreak when one of them cries coz i have to leave. poor baby.

today a special friend of mine told me he was black. i think he's yellow. like a banana. but then i thought about it, and he's like, all races in one. what a magnificent creature he must be. but what superfood is he!? O:

- r

I quote:

"Like the physical, the psychical is not necessarily, in reality, what it appears to us to be."

- Sigmund Freud.

mm, i like him.
- jae.

simon du.

especially dedicated to THE simon du.
your name can be hummed so peacefully. like a casual summer breeze. no one notices it, but we all appreciate it.
simon dudududu :) hahaha!

- r

blur.

why is it when i stand back and try and look at the bigger picture, all i see is a blur?

routine.

we all have that point in our lives where we question everything we know. i'm questioning everything i know, and the people too. i have to say the love i once had for you has just turned into disappointment these past few days, and i'm sorry that it played out that way. but how you let me down was something i never expected from you ever in my life, no matter how much i hurt you. i'm sorry for what i did, but you just can't expect me to accept your views now, all i want to do is push you away.

i need to get back into my old routine, where i see other people besides you. i can't let it be just you and me. i need you, me and everyone else. love is such a complicated term, i think after all this is done i'm going to think twice of who i "love". do i really love you? or just the things you do?

- r

yumyum.

jae jae chicken
sweet and yummy, like me ;)
..i joke

anywho, i've noticed my entries have been quite angry lately, i wonder why. moving on, remember that hot brazilian-mauritius personal trainer? yeah, lately, he's just not hot anymore :/ not too sure why, he looks the same, but yeah. i got a new trainer today. he too is quite the yummy, i mean hottie, and already has his degree. slovakian though, i'm not sure whether that's good or bad. number on the first day - win >;) i should stop though, it's all fun and games until someone trips. not to say that it will happen, just a possibility. does being the way i am make me a bad person? :/ i don't know, sigh. on a side note, i think someone needs to deflate my ego.

- jae.

annoying.

how do you make a compromise with people that want everything to be done their way? there's nothing you can really do when shit goes down like that. i don't even know how i feel anymore, and frankly i don't know how you feel anymore. i'm sorry that it had to happen but i don't want things to change. although for some reason, i have a feeling they will now. if things are going to change i want them to change on my own terms, not someone elses. i guess we'll just have to see how things play out. you never know, it could blow over. or it could just escalate into something much worse. i don't like not knowing the future. but i guess that's why time goes by, and you learn from your mistakes.

i just don't like being in this situation. i can't do anything. that's just annoying.

- r

gtfo.

you cannot fathom the immensity of the fuck i do not give. who you are, how old you are, what you do, does not matter. you are nothing to me. as far as i'm concerned, you will do as you are told, or get the fuck out of my way, and my life while you're at it.

- jae.

upset.

it's annoying how i cry so easily. it makes me feel like such a sook. but i can't help it if what you do upsets me. the tears just start streaming down my face unintentionally. i don't even know myself why it happens so easily. i guess i just can't accept what happens, and frankly i don't think i ever will. that upsets me. i can't accept that people change, and having a feeling that things will never be the same. that upsets me. i can't accept the things you do, and knowing i will never be able to change you. that upsets me. i can't accept hearing so many things at once about other people, and trying to help but failing terribly. that upsets me. and whenever i try to stay away from all the dramas and the bullshit. it just won' leave me alone. i guess that's what upsets me the most. i feel like i'm in some weird stage in life where i just don't know where i stand with everyone.
so i'm just gonna go stand over there, by myself until someone joins me and doesn't upset me.

- r

sleeeeep.

so i've finally caught up on my sleep since last friday. at least i think i have. sorry to my darling who just lied there next to me last night watching the office alone. har har har. but now i'm the one behind :( oh well, day off today! at least until five anyways ==" sigh, i keep eating! why oh why! i need to start eating healthy food again, then maybe i'll stop getting sick all the time. yes, i am getting sick again. marvelous! D:

and happy birthday to jer jer! sorry i didn't bring your present last night, but at least you got to watch the running man after dinner! :D lol

- r

ewww.

so degrading is this melancholy state of emotional attachment. eugh, i hate this. the attachment isn't to you either, you irritate me way too much. it's that feeling you used to give me that i miss, something i'll never get back no matter how hard either of us try.

- jae.

complicated.

you don't make it very easy for me to love you. is it just the decisions i make or am i just a stupid idiot? i know i shouldn't be influenced so easily, but that was just a slap in the face. i guess people just don't get it. or maybe i just don't get. just when i think things are fine, everyone else thinks things aren't. is it just me or am i just satisfied too easily? what i do know is, we take each other for granted. and the day that we realise what we've done wrong to each other, it'll be too late to fix it. i don't want that day to come. but what can i do? things can never be perfect, and i will never expect them to be. i guess i should have higher expectations of you. but how do i have those higher expectations without trying to change you? there's no win in this situation. just complication.

so i've decided that my birthday isn't a very relative date at all and that it's not really worth celebrating. and seeing as it's not worth celebrating, i'm pretty sure half the people i expect to remember it. won't. i'm cool with that though. i don't have very good memory either. lol. clubbing is so ave. so why do i still go? i think i should invest in some sort of entertainment in my house besides my laptop and indonesian tv T__T

- r

indifference is my facade.

i can't tell if i'm so cold-hearted that i don't register emotions, or is it that i'm just incapable of understanding them? i'll feel it for a moment and then nothing. are all emotions just fleeting? they come and go so quickly that i barely have time to experience them, let alone recognise what they are. was it hope that turned into sour disappointment? was it lust that became unfilfilled longing? or was it love that ended in heartbreak? pffft, the latter is highly unlikely, nothing more than a mere possibility.
then again, who am i to say such things, i have no idea what 'love' is in that sense. i always thought that when someone you 'loved' left you, your entire world would come crashing down, that's how you know you're in love. a friend scoffed when i told her this :/so what is love? everyone has a different definition of it i guess. emotions have no physical characteristics to distinguish one from another and being intangible, there is no way to measure them either. so there is no empirical way to prove that emotions really exist, they're just concoctions of our minds, a mental tool used to complicate situations unnecessarily. yeah, i quite like that reasoning, i think i'll stick with that one.
on an end note though, there is also the possibility that i subconsciously choose to suppress these emotions, refusing to let them surface. that couldn't be though, it's not as though i choose to be emotionally insensitive, it's just embedded in me.


- jae.

why?

why do i care so much about people?
if anyone can give me the answer for that question i'll give you one million dollars. i say one million dollars, because no one knows. i'm that confident. i'm not talking about what people think about me by the way. more like, why do i always try to like/love everyone when all i get in return is bitchyness or immaturity. this being nice to people is getting tough, the older i get and the more things i go through the more i realise... people are assholes. one day i'm going to run out of niceness and end up a bitter old cat lady. and when that day comes, i'm going to shoot something. coz that's something i refuse to be :( well, maybe a cat lady wouldn't be too bad. but being a bitter old person would just sadden me.

sigh, i need company. i think i may go a bit mad.

- r

goodbye.

so you left and all i could say was "best of luck", no goodbye hug or anything. you need to grow the fuck up hey :/ i'm sorry i'm not like her; i'm sorry i wouldn't let you become my world, let you become everything i thought was important, just so you could break me down when you left. pffft, i'm offended you thought you could even try. i am no hopeless romantic. you've got me thinking though...
my ego and my ability to make a person think that i don't care, that i'm not phased, to hide what i think and feel, might just one day be the end of me. hopefully, by that time, i'll believe my own illusions.
'Cognito Ergo Sum' - I Think, Therefore, I Am.

- jae.

miss.

it's funny how things happen when you least expect them to. the one thing i was sure wouldn't happen. did. at first i felt bad, but then i realised things happen for a reason. and even though one day i hope things will change between us, my hopes have slowly dissapeared. not because i stopped loving you, or caring about you, but because what we used to share dissapeared. will we ever get that back? we'll see in a few years time i guess. coz that's how i feel how much i see you these days. i guess i just miss you and i didn't realise how much until today.

- r

reciprocal.

why is it that i always seem to cause problems for everyone around me, especially the ones i care about; family, friends and you. it hurts me even more when i see them take for granted what they already have, the one thing i thought i wanted. i probably am better off alone, what i think i want seems to come with a whole world of problems. then again, everything in life has it downsides i guess, it's just about whether the good outweighs the bad. i should stop wanting more from life, life's a stupid whore anyway. my life is pretty awesome as it is, there's not much else i could ask for. i have an awesome family, the best friends, nice things and it's not like you were a complete dickhead. i should be more than happy, so, i will be. the door is closed, indefinitely. since you're so prepared to let go of the one person who would've been willing to give you her world, her world is gonna let go of you. i'll pull through this on my own.
i will not falter, i will not fall, i will stand tall; i will be strong.

- i am jae.

decisions.

sometimes i worry about you. so much of what you do revolves around experimentation. i don't like it. i'm never going to know what the outcome is going to be. i don't know what you're going to end up doing. i don't know what's going to happen to you. so i've decided that i have to be there with you through this all, because at least i can attempt to protect you. i forbid you to leave me, because you're a stupid idiot.

funny how people you think you've lost come back to you. it's weird because you don't know what to do at first. it will never be the same. it's already fallen apart, but i guess there's nothing wrong with trying to fix it. we'll just see how long it lasts this time around.

i remember why i don't like going out anymore. after this weekend i'm going to continue what i started - sleeping in and watching the office :)

- r

just fine.

i just don't know what to say nor do. it feels like i don't know anything anymore. like when you spend so much time putting a puzzle together, then some shitty little kid comes and fucks it up. you can't find the pieces, which stops you from putting it back together. then you just get frustrated coz you can't finish something you worked so hard for and what you thought you were so close to accomplishing just all falls apart. that's how i feel right now. it's good, you feel better. i guess everything's fine then.

- r

un-fucking-believable.

i cannot fucking believe you. don't even try to turn this back on me. okay, so what if i didn't hear you say you were apparently "sorting shit" out with her. i'm pretty sure when i asked what was going on with you and how you were feeling, you said "i'm good". i wasn't aware that meant "i'm getting back with my ex and i'm gonna keep leading you on". i was fine with just being friends and according to you, that's all we were. i never knew 'being friends' with you meant PDAs, holding, touching and cuddling.
okay, so it's all my fault. it makes everything so much easier when there's a scapegoat, you skip the whole emotional roller coaster ride and go straight to the end. just blame it on me if it makes you feel better about yourself, i really don't mind because this is how i see things -
i'm hotter, smarter and richer than you (: and have a lot less issues too. if you're not gonna treat me right, well, it's not that hard to find someone else who will. stop wasting my time now please, you're neither worth it nor can you afford it.

- jae.

young money.

i'm starting to think that there's just way too much baggage for me to deal with. maybe who i said i was, isn't who i am. i don't mean to care as much as i do, but i guess it changes when the circumstances do. i don't want to know everything, i just want to know. but i guess you can't even let me know can you? sorry, but this goes both ways. if i don't know, i guess you won't either.

why can't i live in young money world? their lives seems so carefree, and they don't care what other people think. i used to be like that, what happened to me? it's 11:11, i'm not going to reveal my wish. even though it probably won't come true, it's worth a try. trying never hurt anyone did it? even if you fail, at least you know you tried right?

these dreams must be effecting my daily life, coz all i think about is you.

- r

indifferent.

wow, i'm a bigger bitch than i thought i was, it comes so naturally too. this entire time i made myself out to be one being played, like i was the victim. i did think it was a big strange i handled our little mishap so well though. here, i thought i was just tank like that :/ maybe it was the chase that kept me around, your stubbornness to give in. until now. so now you want to pick up where we left off. that's great, right? why am i so unsure? i should be happy, i shouldn't be thinking twice about it but i am and the stranger thing is, it couldn't phase me any less. is this indifference just a front? maybe i'm hesitating to let you in or maybe i'm just that over it that i don't care anymore. either way, the old jae is back and she's not planning on going anywhere. if you wanna get past her, you're gonna have to step your game up. you got competition this time around.

- jae.

breakeven.

so now i'm just going to sit and wait for the day it all falls to pieces..

- r

reminisce.

family dinner for mothers day tonight (: didn't last night because everyone was tired/busy/whatever, so we all agreed monday night. the useless brother didn't make it. why? because he was up all night doing an assignment he left to the last minute and was coming down. go figure. he didn't turn up to his baby sister's eighteenth family dinner either. then he has the nerve to ask us to bring him back take-away? honestly, he could've atleast tried to force it down his throat, it's not very often the family is actually together. anywho, enough about the one who makes me angry.
mothers day dinner was fun (: i love my family. luff luff luff luff lufffffff! although i would never admit this to any of them, except mama. i told pa to shut up and stop talking to me when i went to pay, but he knows i don't mean it *ahem*. i WAS gonna buy her a dryer but somehow ended up paying $450 for dinner @@" so that's my present there. sigh, so many things i could've bought ): then again, i'd pay a lot more than that to have the whole family together again. i miss having us all in one house, i miss being the baby of the family, i miss when my brothers would piggy back across the beach at christmas, i miss being happy and care-free..

- jae.

monday morn.

your laziness amazes me. you're lucky i am a nice girl, and i don't get mad when you ask me to do things for you. but then again, i guess you're nice too, you just have plenty of issues. hahaha.

waking up to cold weather is such a bitch. i just wanna stay in my bed all day, or at least until the weather warms up. i could have woken up at 9 today but decided not to, coz i wasn't wearing pants. it was too cold to get out of my bed and find my trackies. so i slept in another hour :) wahaha.

whenever i'm around you all i do is laugh. i know i'm amused easily, but seriously, there's something about you that just makes me smile. maybe that's why i like you so much :) i'm finding it harder to like people easily these days, i think it's coz of all those times people have told me that i was naive in thinking that everyone was a nice person. but now that i think that, all i do is question people and why they talk to me. is that bad? :/ i dunno, but i liked being naive and nice than bitchy and pessimistic.

- r

day mothers.

the one weekend i stayed at home was probably one of the best i've had.

today was mothers day (thanks for the reminder sago). i didn't buy anything for my mum, and when i said i would, she told me not to. i think it's coz she already knows how much i love her without all those materialistic gifts they advertise for people to buy. i stopped buying things for my mum a long, long time ago. but that never meant i stopped loving her a long, long time ago. i love you mum <3

- r

mothers day.

so it's mothers day and i'm working for her T_T even though i've been sick as a dog this past week and did from 8am to 10pm already yesterday. luckily i resisted the temptation to go out last night :x sigh, being superhuman is so much hard work, i'm getting too old for this but i will soldier on! i get it from mama though cos if i'm superhuman, my mama is godlike (: yupp, without a doubt. hopefully my useless brother will look after the shop in the afternoon so i can take mama to pick out which dryer she wants. i wanted to buy her the world but i didn't have enough monies ): maybe i should ask papa for an allowance.

- jae.

sex.

i like sexual songs. coz they make me laugh. definitely not because i'm horny. and grinding music just makes me smile these days. i just wanna get on a table and grind on you ;)

i've decided that i should really stay in tonight, this lack of sleep is slowly driving me insane. and i need my energy for all the exciting activities that i do. hahah. it's mothers day on monday, and i didn't buy my mum anything. does that make me a bad daughter? i don't think so. since when did you need a set day to appreciate your mother? pretty sure i love my mum enough not to waste my time and buy her something pointless. i'll just put a bow on my head and be her present :)

- r

S.O.S.

it's getting harder and harder to be strong everyday, maybe it's finally time to give in. let's face it, people are constantly growing and changing as are the situations in which you find them. rules become outdated as new strategies emerge. i need to stop thinking that i don't need people, that i can do everything myself, that people just pretend to care. i just need to stop, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. i'm reaching my breaking point and i'm afraid it's already starting to crack. i think i'm afraid, afraid that when it does finally break i won't be able to fix it but i'm also afraid of letting someone in to help me. what if i open the door and nobody's there? how do you break an eighteen year old habbit? sometimes, even the superhuman needs a superhero.

- jae.

sighs.

my mind is blank today. well, i lied. it's not. but i just don't know what to write today.
i miss you, but i don't want to tell you.
i want to exercise, but i really can't be fucked.
i want to sleep, but i need to shower first.
i'm so tired that i just wanna quit my jobs so i can hibernate.
i'm excited for next weekend, but i don't want to be a bitch while i'm having fun :(
i want to tell you something, but it's a secret i should keep to myself.
i need to paint my room, but moving furniture is a bitch.

i hate having all this shit it my mind, and you're not here for me to tell.

- r

miss independent.

you won't get anywhere if you think you're not good enough
but you won't get anywhere by being an obnoxious dickhead either.
balance people, balance (: unless you're just plain boss
like einstein, he was king-dick, he knew it and he could back it up.
you shouldn't need to be told how good you are,
you shouldn't need to be compared to know where you stand.
don't measure your self-worth by how fat your wallet is,
you're only as good as you think you are.
so smile, stand tall and feel good knowing there's only one of you (:
unless your an identical twin.

- jae.