despite how very hard i tried to fight them off, they eventually got the best of me. it was inevitable- the combination of being a female and my rational, argumentative mind-set make it quite impossible for me to ignore them. everything started with one innocent thought- 'this is to good to be true, i don't deserve someone like him..'
he is quite literally everything i've ever wanted. guys always say that a girls checklist condenses down to whatever makes her happy. true. but even extended, he ticked every single box- "what if the more he gets to know me, the more he sees me as just a friend... what if this brings out the worst in me.. what if it was just a case of right place, right time.. what if it was someone else standing there, right then and there.. how many other girls see what i see.. what if he gets fed up with me.. will he still me the same when.. what happens when this honey-moon is over.." and it goes on. i've come to realise that the checklist really is nothing more than mere guidelines- nowadays, there are so so many factors that may influence how you form any sort of relationship with anyone.
that being said, this boy still has accomplished a feat no other has. without a degree, without the stunning good looks, without the charisma, outspoken confidence and ambitious aspirations- he managed to outshine those with all the above and completely rock my world. insecurities will always be there, you just need to determined enough to push past them. no pain, no gain- those afraid to fall will never learn to fly. you're too amazing for me to just let you walk away. hold on tight, i've got my jet-pack on and you in my sights -
i'm a space-bound rocketship and the moon is your heart.
- jae.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
48 hours
that's how long it took for you to change my mind and throw everything i thought i knew out the window- a week for you to completely blow me away. i thought that if i paid no mind i'd be able to carry on as i always have but you make it rather hard. don't get me wrong though, this is entirely my choice. i won't use some sappy 'i can't help it' line because i could stop this if i really wanted to but i don't, i'm just hoping for the best- or am i? oh well, i'm throwing everything out the door and i mean everything- doubts, insecurities, reason and him.
in the past 48 hours i went from walking into a a club thinking "all eyes on me" and taking my pick, i'd own any dancefloor and love it, i'd go all out and not think twice. now? the only thing i'll see when i walk in the club is you, despite all those yuppies trying to get my attention like a fish out of water. i've been surrounded by a sea of topless (pretty hot too.. i think) boys and not even cared. i can't stand being around him knowing what's going through his head when he looks at me and cringe when he even touches me.
i'm going through that door blind-folded- as doubts, insecurities and fears are all in your mind so is security, comfort and love. we subconsciously choose to feel everything we do- good or bad- by playing all these scenarios and possibilities through our heads and making them seem real. we choose to believe the best or worst in people, as we choose to be amazing or disappointing ourselves. there is no reasoning to this change of heart- just that it is and even if it goes horribly wrong, it'll be one more lesson learned.
- jae.
in the past 48 hours i went from walking into a a club thinking "all eyes on me" and taking my pick, i'd own any dancefloor and love it, i'd go all out and not think twice. now? the only thing i'll see when i walk in the club is you, despite all those yuppies trying to get my attention like a fish out of water. i've been surrounded by a sea of topless (pretty hot too.. i think) boys and not even cared. i can't stand being around him knowing what's going through his head when he looks at me and cringe when he even touches me.
i'm going through that door blind-folded- as doubts, insecurities and fears are all in your mind so is security, comfort and love. we subconsciously choose to feel everything we do- good or bad- by playing all these scenarios and possibilities through our heads and making them seem real. we choose to believe the best or worst in people, as we choose to be amazing or disappointing ourselves. there is no reasoning to this change of heart- just that it is and even if it goes horribly wrong, it'll be one more lesson learned.
- jae.
Friday, February 18, 2011
blogs.
so, since blogging has finally seemed to go out of vogue, i've decided i'll break the norm. it's nice to have somewhere to get something out without repeating it to 3485684938745 people and seeming like a self-centered "me me me me me" person. by the end, the story would've lost all meaning.
so, in my last blog i stated that sometimes relationships last because people become accustomed to them, hesitant to leave and reluctant to change. true. recently i found myself in a predicament of this sort- a pseudo 'relationship' with a negligent asshole. it was purely for 'convenience'- nothing more, really. these 'convenient' encounters became more frequent, more complicated and become more than just mere encounters from my point of view- blurring that line between physical and emotional.
then i met someone who turned out to be a refreshing change in more ways than one. okay, his physical appearance isn't as aesthetically pleasing as past ones but lately it seems that he's been the best part of my day- even with just a simple text. it's a sad situation really, stuck between a rock and a hard place. i don't believe in 'love' enough to jump into anything so willingly- who's to say he'll still be the best part of my day a month from now? but i'm not prepared to pass on something that could potentially be amazing.
from another perspective, i could be seen as being cold-hearted and selfish. if i was in either of their positions i would be devastated to find 'that' person had found someone else or to find that i was blown away by someone with other 'commitments'. that being said, no one can honestly be surprised that any single person has someone on the side- it's one of the benefits of being single and if he had a problem with it then he should've done something to change it.
those are my conclusions, i refuse to let this riddle my mind and ruin what could possibly happen in the future. some may disagree with my decision to let this continue but the bottom line is- i am single. soon enough i'll throw rationality out the window. i'll only walk out that door and back so many times before i'll stop coming back, and you'll regret ever letting me go that first time. then again, who's to say i won't lock myself in and throw away the key.
the point of this sharing and caring?
- stop thinking too much, enjoy your prime and take advantage of it.
- don't restrict yourself because of silly rules or barriers that have been concocted by your doubts, insecurities and fears- they only exist in your mind.
- don't do anything because you think you should, do it because you feel you should.
- don't rationalise too much or too little, or be too impulsive.
- if it felt right the first time, it probably was. if it felt right the second time, it's probably because you convinced yourself it was.
- if you don't stress, there are no multiple scenarios and possibilities. there'll be no 'but's or 'what if's, there will only be what's really there.
- besides, stress makes you ugly and unattractive both physically, mentally and it'll come through in your personality.
- just do what you feel because you're the one who lives with the consequences and rewards.
- so long as you feel good, you'll do good and it will be good. :)
- jae.
so, in my last blog i stated that sometimes relationships last because people become accustomed to them, hesitant to leave and reluctant to change. true. recently i found myself in a predicament of this sort- a pseudo 'relationship' with a negligent asshole. it was purely for 'convenience'- nothing more, really. these 'convenient' encounters became more frequent, more complicated and become more than just mere encounters from my point of view- blurring that line between physical and emotional.
then i met someone who turned out to be a refreshing change in more ways than one. okay, his physical appearance isn't as aesthetically pleasing as past ones but lately it seems that he's been the best part of my day- even with just a simple text. it's a sad situation really, stuck between a rock and a hard place. i don't believe in 'love' enough to jump into anything so willingly- who's to say he'll still be the best part of my day a month from now? but i'm not prepared to pass on something that could potentially be amazing.
from another perspective, i could be seen as being cold-hearted and selfish. if i was in either of their positions i would be devastated to find 'that' person had found someone else or to find that i was blown away by someone with other 'commitments'. that being said, no one can honestly be surprised that any single person has someone on the side- it's one of the benefits of being single and if he had a problem with it then he should've done something to change it.
those are my conclusions, i refuse to let this riddle my mind and ruin what could possibly happen in the future. some may disagree with my decision to let this continue but the bottom line is- i am single. soon enough i'll throw rationality out the window. i'll only walk out that door and back so many times before i'll stop coming back, and you'll regret ever letting me go that first time. then again, who's to say i won't lock myself in and throw away the key.
the point of this sharing and caring?
- stop thinking too much, enjoy your prime and take advantage of it.
- don't restrict yourself because of silly rules or barriers that have been concocted by your doubts, insecurities and fears- they only exist in your mind.
- don't do anything because you think you should, do it because you feel you should.
- don't rationalise too much or too little, or be too impulsive.
- if it felt right the first time, it probably was. if it felt right the second time, it's probably because you convinced yourself it was.
- if you don't stress, there are no multiple scenarios and possibilities. there'll be no 'but's or 'what if's, there will only be what's really there.
- besides, stress makes you ugly and unattractive both physically, mentally and it'll come through in your personality.
- just do what you feel because you're the one who lives with the consequences and rewards.
- so long as you feel good, you'll do good and it will be good. :)
- jae.
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