smile :)

life really is what you make of it- hard or easy, good or bad, fulfilling or empty. yes at times it gets hard, at times it gets discouraging, at times it seems futile and will become so if you choose to let it. instead of cowering in the face of adversity, put on a blindfold and stand up to it- you really don't have anything to lose, they're just excuses you make for yourself. try hard enough and you'll make for material losses, believe enough and you'll always see the bright side, as for pride- real pride should be infallible, if a little hiccup knocks it down then there really wasn't much of a foundation to begin with. screw what those hater bitches say, they're just distracting themselves from reality of their own depressing lives.

wake up each morning with a bounce in your step, greet every day with a chirp in your voice, face each problem with a grin on your face and you'll be pleasantly surprised with your new found outlook :) just as everyone else will be- plus, the stranger who quietly smiles at their own thoughts has always struck me as rather attractive.


- jae.

last day.

it's painful to watch you go through something like this. i know it can't be easy and i know you're going to be strong for your family. but i really think you need to let your guard down sometime soon. and when that happens i'll be there for you, don't worry. today is going to be one of the hardest times of your life, and for you to get through what you have so far is an accomplishment in itself. i am proud of you and i love you very much.
you're not my best friend for no reason.

home.

navigate.

you've got my emotions all strung up, wafting in the open with everything you say as if each word was a breeze, and a series of wrong ones could cause an emotional hurricane. i've always been the reasonable, rational, level-headed one but you confuse me to the point i don't know what i am. i constantly contradict myself- act composed when i'm a mess, think i'm my old-self at times, and make you think something's wrong when all i do is sit there and smile because i'm happy.
i still doubt, get insecure and fear the worst at times while also confidently putting blind faith in you- don't ask how, i don't get it either. when i doubt, i reason it out. when i get insecure, i feel your arms cradle me to bed. when i get scared- scratch that, my only fear is you leaving but don't think that'll be happening anytime soon.
i used to be this unstable, overly-sensitive looper who couldn't be left alone for half a day without my mind going charlie sheen on me. i would get so insecure when you weren't there to reassure me- my mind would go on a frenzy, grouping you with all those other stupid boys from my past, expecting the worse. then you'd prove me utterly wrong, make me berate myself for doubting you in the first place- falling that little bit deeper each time..
this sounds like a fairy-tale, right? so picturesque, so perfect- so predictable? how long until we can't be perfect anymore? or will we be always be this good together? will we fight and make-up? or will we get bored and break-up? all very real possibilities and surprisingly- have very little effect on me. this is exactly what i mean though, even though i'm so happy- somehow my mind still has these thoughts but pays them no mind? that being said, if i was so happy then i shouldn't be thinking them at all.
what happens next is still a mystery- possibilities are endless but i really don't know where else this can go but maybe it's a good sign.. right? i'm just going to hold your hand tighter..

- jae.

pretend.

saying one thing to someone and changing it to make it something i would rather hear is smart, isn't it?
don't worry, i'll just pretend i believe you.

- r

antacids preasee.

so we went to ikea and he bought almost everything i said i liked- 4 lamps, 5 tables, a bathroom mirror he'll never use, an ice-creaam scoop (he doesn't eat ice-cream) and a green can opener for the obvious reason that green is the best colour in the world- *cyber hi5's meng even though he's probably asleep*.
this whole time i've been holding myself back, taking one step at a time, weekend by weekend- but it seems this boy has been planning a lot further ahead than i have. i feel sort of guilty and uneasy at the time same. i should be ecstatic, right? that i'm part of his whole 'home-making' process- for a home that's still in the making, might i add. i feel guilty for being so short-sighted and uneasy at the thought of looking any further.
what is this strange gut feeling, maybe i need some antacids.

old days.

where did the good ol' days go?
where people all got along and no one ever got hurt?


wait. that never happened. the good ol' days never existed.

- r

blurgh

wow i haven't blogged in a very long time.
feels like i died. lol

drinking is bad. so so bad. i don't know why i do it.
and i don't know why so many people do it.
i feel like i'm gonna die.
fuck you weak immune system, fuck you.

- r

perfection.

no matter how long i make this blog, it wouldn't justify how i feel..
life is wonderful :) you are all so amazing in your own ways. collectively, you all bring out the very best there is in me- yous always have but he makes me want to be so much better. my life isn't perfect but i don't care, there's nothing i would change. if this is imperfection then i don't want to be perfect.

- jae.

one.

it's probably strange that i know this- that it's been exactly one month since i've met you. please don't think i'm some obsessive teenage girl counting the days :( i'm not sure how i even noticed, i just know that i met you the weekend before valentine's because you and a select few made that day extra special for me :) it's hard to believe how big a part of my life you've been this past month though.

i used to have a new accessory every weekend- now i only have one to keep grubby, disgusting hands off me because you're not there. he's the one who listens and reassures me when those insecurities get to me, reminding me that they're only a by-product of how wonderful you are.

it's not that i don't want you to be around those girls- i don't blame them, i can't leave you alone either :) i'm not jealous. in fact, i take it as a compliment knowing it's my voice you choose to come home to at the end of every day and listen to as you fall asleep.

i don't want to be the one thing in your life. i love the way you are- for who you are and everything you are. you are simply amazing. i won't even attempt to explain why because nothing i say would do you justice. i just want to be a part of something.

i don't want to be your one and only everything but i want to be your one and only anything- that one person you go to for no reason at all, not because you feel obligated to be by her side but because you simply want to be.

i used to be out on the town every weekend, sometimes even weekdays, just so i wouldn't be alone- now, even if i'm surrounded by a sea of people, i'll still feel the same if you're not there. i'm totally okay with that though, i'm not afraid of being by myself anymore :) i don't need your constant attention, i just need you.

i still believe that needing someone is just a state of mind. i'm completely aware that i don't actually need you. i choose to. i choose to not picture tomorrow without you, i choose to not picture next week without you- i haven't pictured much further than that though to be honest. i don't care if a year from now we despise each other. as far as i'm concerned, right now this is how we are and i'm not letting it change because of something that hasn't happened yet.

you are the single reason that i'm not merely content- for once in my life, i'm more than content. satisfied. happy even? i don't mean to sound ungrateful to my family.. it's hard to explain. it's not obsession, it's not infatuation, it's not irrational, it's not impulsive- it's not all those things people say it is. i know others disagree but they don't see what i see because if they did, they'd believe in fairy-tales too. all that being said, it's hard to believe that you've done all this to me without so much as a single kiss.
you really are rather extraordinary.


- jae.