last.

..but behind the scenes
he means the world to me

- jae.

over.

the hardest part about moving on isn't learning to sleep by yourself at night, it's learning to sleep next to someone else.

- jae.

reminisce

reading back over the crap i wrote and thinking "that's disgusting", it's actually kinda sickening.

- jae.

instance.

that moment when you realise, despite the 80 odd years of your existence, you will die alone and the world couldn't care less. more reason to do what you love, say what you mean and not give a damn because no one else will anyway.

- jae.

grateful

you know those songs that just seem to say everything better than you can..

" this ones for you and me, living out our dreams.. "
we both know exactly what we want
and we're both equally intent on getting it
unfortunately, those dreams aren't with each other

" ..we are right where we should be.. "
regardless of how everything has happened
if we think about it reallyy hard
this couldn't have turned out any better

" ..with my arms out wide.. "
you still have that amazing ability to make me smile
and there's no doubt you're always going to be around
sometimes, even if i may not want you to be

" ..i open my eyes and now all i wanna see- "
occasionally, the 'happy' ending isn't the usual sort of 'happy'
regardless, i'm still very glad i met you
because you make my world that touch more colourful

- jae.

I Will Be Here

I don't know, what went wrong
If I did, would it matter cause
It just wasn't enough
You know when the moment comes
To be strong, show resistance
And that is what we're lead to believe

When the big world falls apart
And you think that the feeling will linger
You need somewhere to start, I will be here

Guess that things didn't work out
It will soon disappear and will be miles away
Away from here
You don't mind if life's not that pretty
It will soon disappear and will be miles away
Away from here

When the big world falls apart
And you think that the feeling will linger
You need somewhere to start, I will be here

And when it all seems to fall apart
You can't breathe, you don't know what you're thinking
You need somewhere to start, I will be here

I will be here..

Promise This

In my beginning there was nothing
So empty in the space between
Then you came in, turned the lights on
And created what has come to be
-
Though I'm walking through the shadows
You are with me and you comfort me
Lay me down now, time for sleeping
But before that, would you miss me?
-
By a thread we're hanging on
And I hope you don't let go
If you ever leave me
Know I wanna go with you
-
Before I pluck your wings, cover me please
Spread your wings, cover me
Promise this, if I die before I wake
Promise this, take the time to say your grace
On your knees you'll pray for me
Promise this, be the last to kiss my lips

- Cheryl Cole.

daily

they say, "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger"
but sometimes i can't help feel like i'm already dead.

- jae.

acquainted

this is unhealthy, things are the way they are because you know you can't replace me.. whether it's because you're just possessive and selfish or because you actually care- i don't know and that in itself is a selfish act on your behalf. unfortunately, i can't say i'm any different except i know the reason why i keep you around.. is because i can't see myself with anybody else. what a sad story.

- jae.

'til death..

out my mind, yeah i'm losing it..
take my life but i'm cool with it, i really don't care..
'til death do we party, with the music i die

- jae.

clueless..

you haven't the slightest what you've done to me, do you? it's not that i can't explain it, it's because i don't want to- the busier i am, the more reason to ignore how i feel about you. the more important everything else is, the less important you will be- right? right. no questions. who am i kidding.. i've tried pretending, i've tried not caring, i've even taken up another job and deprived myself of even more sleep. you know me, you know what makes me happy and you know how to make me smile without even trying. i give in- as long as you're on the other end of that ten digit combination, i don't care about anything else. it's sad how we're so good together- through good, bad or strange- as mates.. it's cruel how incredible you are and unfair how this has turned out. this really is a bitter-sweet ending, isn't it..

- jae.

one day.

life without you just wouldn't be life.
maybe i'm just afraid of what to come. i don't know what it will have in store for me, and i don't think i'm ready to find out.
i know i think too much. but this is something else. i think i just need to disappear for a while. but we all know that's not possible.
i guess all i can do now is wait. but i'm not a very patient person.

- r

short.

i didn't think that it would ever come to this.
but the more i think about it, the more i consider my future. what does it hold? and what should i do? life is too short for this.

- r

changed.

i can't help but think sometimes i give a little too much- will taking this chance really be worth it, or will it just be a catastrophic mistake? completely immersing myself in work and study, making my teenage social life practically non-existent.. this blind faith and seemingly unfaltering feelings.. i always seem to give a little more to one over another. sometimes, i doubt- doubt whether this sudden burst of determination will see me through to the end, and doubt you know how much you've changed me..

regardless- i'll go for as long as this determination will drive me, and stand by you until you shatter me into a million unrecognisable pieces.. because this what you've done to me. i seem to have lost the ability to critically analyse a situation and make a pessimistic evaluation that i'll honestly believe still holds true, amongst other things.. but i've gained an experience worth much more :) fear is for the weak, doubt is for cowards and insecurities just need a little bit of extra attention, time and love.

that's right dearest, you read it, and you know i'm aiming it at you ;) don't stress though, i'll be making sure you get plenty of it! unfortunately for you, i have an artillery full.

- jae.

smile :)

life really is what you make of it- hard or easy, good or bad, fulfilling or empty. yes at times it gets hard, at times it gets discouraging, at times it seems futile and will become so if you choose to let it. instead of cowering in the face of adversity, put on a blindfold and stand up to it- you really don't have anything to lose, they're just excuses you make for yourself. try hard enough and you'll make for material losses, believe enough and you'll always see the bright side, as for pride- real pride should be infallible, if a little hiccup knocks it down then there really wasn't much of a foundation to begin with. screw what those hater bitches say, they're just distracting themselves from reality of their own depressing lives.

wake up each morning with a bounce in your step, greet every day with a chirp in your voice, face each problem with a grin on your face and you'll be pleasantly surprised with your new found outlook :) just as everyone else will be- plus, the stranger who quietly smiles at their own thoughts has always struck me as rather attractive.


- jae.

last day.

it's painful to watch you go through something like this. i know it can't be easy and i know you're going to be strong for your family. but i really think you need to let your guard down sometime soon. and when that happens i'll be there for you, don't worry. today is going to be one of the hardest times of your life, and for you to get through what you have so far is an accomplishment in itself. i am proud of you and i love you very much.
you're not my best friend for no reason.

home.

navigate.

you've got my emotions all strung up, wafting in the open with everything you say as if each word was a breeze, and a series of wrong ones could cause an emotional hurricane. i've always been the reasonable, rational, level-headed one but you confuse me to the point i don't know what i am. i constantly contradict myself- act composed when i'm a mess, think i'm my old-self at times, and make you think something's wrong when all i do is sit there and smile because i'm happy.
i still doubt, get insecure and fear the worst at times while also confidently putting blind faith in you- don't ask how, i don't get it either. when i doubt, i reason it out. when i get insecure, i feel your arms cradle me to bed. when i get scared- scratch that, my only fear is you leaving but don't think that'll be happening anytime soon.
i used to be this unstable, overly-sensitive looper who couldn't be left alone for half a day without my mind going charlie sheen on me. i would get so insecure when you weren't there to reassure me- my mind would go on a frenzy, grouping you with all those other stupid boys from my past, expecting the worse. then you'd prove me utterly wrong, make me berate myself for doubting you in the first place- falling that little bit deeper each time..
this sounds like a fairy-tale, right? so picturesque, so perfect- so predictable? how long until we can't be perfect anymore? or will we be always be this good together? will we fight and make-up? or will we get bored and break-up? all very real possibilities and surprisingly- have very little effect on me. this is exactly what i mean though, even though i'm so happy- somehow my mind still has these thoughts but pays them no mind? that being said, if i was so happy then i shouldn't be thinking them at all.
what happens next is still a mystery- possibilities are endless but i really don't know where else this can go but maybe it's a good sign.. right? i'm just going to hold your hand tighter..

- jae.

pretend.

saying one thing to someone and changing it to make it something i would rather hear is smart, isn't it?
don't worry, i'll just pretend i believe you.

- r

antacids preasee.

so we went to ikea and he bought almost everything i said i liked- 4 lamps, 5 tables, a bathroom mirror he'll never use, an ice-creaam scoop (he doesn't eat ice-cream) and a green can opener for the obvious reason that green is the best colour in the world- *cyber hi5's meng even though he's probably asleep*.
this whole time i've been holding myself back, taking one step at a time, weekend by weekend- but it seems this boy has been planning a lot further ahead than i have. i feel sort of guilty and uneasy at the time same. i should be ecstatic, right? that i'm part of his whole 'home-making' process- for a home that's still in the making, might i add. i feel guilty for being so short-sighted and uneasy at the thought of looking any further.
what is this strange gut feeling, maybe i need some antacids.

old days.

where did the good ol' days go?
where people all got along and no one ever got hurt?


wait. that never happened. the good ol' days never existed.

- r

blurgh

wow i haven't blogged in a very long time.
feels like i died. lol

drinking is bad. so so bad. i don't know why i do it.
and i don't know why so many people do it.
i feel like i'm gonna die.
fuck you weak immune system, fuck you.

- r

perfection.

no matter how long i make this blog, it wouldn't justify how i feel..
life is wonderful :) you are all so amazing in your own ways. collectively, you all bring out the very best there is in me- yous always have but he makes me want to be so much better. my life isn't perfect but i don't care, there's nothing i would change. if this is imperfection then i don't want to be perfect.

- jae.

one.

it's probably strange that i know this- that it's been exactly one month since i've met you. please don't think i'm some obsessive teenage girl counting the days :( i'm not sure how i even noticed, i just know that i met you the weekend before valentine's because you and a select few made that day extra special for me :) it's hard to believe how big a part of my life you've been this past month though.

i used to have a new accessory every weekend- now i only have one to keep grubby, disgusting hands off me because you're not there. he's the one who listens and reassures me when those insecurities get to me, reminding me that they're only a by-product of how wonderful you are.

it's not that i don't want you to be around those girls- i don't blame them, i can't leave you alone either :) i'm not jealous. in fact, i take it as a compliment knowing it's my voice you choose to come home to at the end of every day and listen to as you fall asleep.

i don't want to be the one thing in your life. i love the way you are- for who you are and everything you are. you are simply amazing. i won't even attempt to explain why because nothing i say would do you justice. i just want to be a part of something.

i don't want to be your one and only everything but i want to be your one and only anything- that one person you go to for no reason at all, not because you feel obligated to be by her side but because you simply want to be.

i used to be out on the town every weekend, sometimes even weekdays, just so i wouldn't be alone- now, even if i'm surrounded by a sea of people, i'll still feel the same if you're not there. i'm totally okay with that though, i'm not afraid of being by myself anymore :) i don't need your constant attention, i just need you.

i still believe that needing someone is just a state of mind. i'm completely aware that i don't actually need you. i choose to. i choose to not picture tomorrow without you, i choose to not picture next week without you- i haven't pictured much further than that though to be honest. i don't care if a year from now we despise each other. as far as i'm concerned, right now this is how we are and i'm not letting it change because of something that hasn't happened yet.

you are the single reason that i'm not merely content- for once in my life, i'm more than content. satisfied. happy even? i don't mean to sound ungrateful to my family.. it's hard to explain. it's not obsession, it's not infatuation, it's not irrational, it's not impulsive- it's not all those things people say it is. i know others disagree but they don't see what i see because if they did, they'd believe in fairy-tales too. all that being said, it's hard to believe that you've done all this to me without so much as a single kiss.
you really are rather extraordinary.


- jae.

insecurities.

despite how very hard i tried to fight them off, they eventually got the best of me. it was inevitable- the combination of being a female and my rational, argumentative mind-set make it quite impossible for me to ignore them. everything started with one innocent thought- 'this is to good to be true, i don't deserve someone like him..'

he is quite literally everything i've ever wanted. guys always say that a girls checklist condenses down to whatever makes her happy. true. but even extended, he ticked every single box- "what if the more he gets to know me, the more he sees me as just a friend... what if this brings out the worst in me.. what if it was just a case of right place, right time.. what if it was someone else standing there, right then and there.. how many other girls see what i see.. what if he gets fed up with me.. will he still me the same when.. what happens when this honey-moon is over.." and it goes on. i've come to realise that the checklist really is nothing more than mere guidelines- nowadays, there are so so many factors that may influence how you form any sort of relationship with anyone.

that being said, this boy still has accomplished a feat no other has. without a degree, without the stunning good looks, without the charisma, outspoken confidence and ambitious aspirations- he managed to outshine those with all the above and completely rock my world. insecurities will always be there, you just need to determined enough to push past them. no pain, no gain- those afraid to fall will never learn to fly. you're too amazing for me to just let you walk away. hold on tight, i've got my jet-pack on and you in my sights -
i'm a space-bound rocketship and the moon is your heart.

- jae.

48 hours

that's how long it took for you to change my mind and throw everything i thought i knew out the window- a week for you to completely blow me away. i thought that if i paid no mind i'd be able to carry on as i always have but you make it rather hard. don't get me wrong though, this is entirely my choice. i won't use some sappy 'i can't help it' line because i could stop this if i really wanted to but i don't, i'm just hoping for the best- or am i? oh well, i'm throwing everything out the door and i mean everything- doubts, insecurities, reason and him.

in the past 48 hours i went from walking into a a club thinking "all eyes on me" and taking my pick, i'd own any dancefloor and love it, i'd go all out and not think twice. now? the only thing i'll see when i walk in the club is you, despite all those yuppies trying to get my attention like a fish out of water. i've been surrounded by a sea of topless (pretty hot too.. i think) boys and not even cared. i can't stand being around him knowing what's going through his head when he looks at me and cringe when he even touches me.

i'm going through that door blind-folded- as doubts, insecurities and fears are all in your mind so is security, comfort and love. we subconsciously choose to feel everything we do- good or bad- by playing all these scenarios and possibilities through our heads and making them seem real. we choose to believe the best or worst in people, as we choose to be amazing or disappointing ourselves. there is no reasoning to this change of heart- just that it is and even if it goes horribly wrong, it'll be one more lesson learned.

- jae.

blogs.

so, since blogging has finally seemed to go out of vogue, i've decided i'll break the norm. it's nice to have somewhere to get something out without repeating it to 3485684938745 people and seeming like a self-centered "me me me me me" person. by the end, the story would've lost all meaning.

so, in my last blog i stated that sometimes relationships last because people become accustomed to them, hesitant to leave and reluctant to change. true. recently i found myself in a predicament of this sort- a pseudo 'relationship' with a negligent asshole. it was purely for 'convenience'- nothing more, really. these 'convenient' encounters became more frequent, more complicated and become more than just mere encounters from my point of view- blurring that line between physical and emotional.

then i met someone who turned out to be a refreshing change in more ways than one. okay, his physical appearance isn't as aesthetically pleasing as past ones but lately it seems that he's been the best part of my day- even with just a simple text. it's a sad situation really, stuck between a rock and a hard place. i don't believe in 'love' enough to jump into anything so willingly- who's to say he'll still be the best part of my day a month from now? but i'm not prepared to pass on something that could potentially be amazing.

from another perspective, i could be seen as being cold-hearted and selfish. if i was in either of their positions i would be devastated to find 'that' person had found someone else or to find that i was blown away by someone with other 'commitments'. that being said, no one can honestly be surprised that any single person has someone on the side- it's one of the benefits of being single and if he had a problem with it then he should've done something to change it.

those are my conclusions, i refuse to let this riddle my mind and ruin what could possibly happen in the future. some may disagree with my decision to let this continue but the bottom line is- i am single. soon enough i'll throw rationality out the window. i'll only walk out that door and back so many times before i'll stop coming back, and you'll regret ever letting me go that first time. then again, who's to say i won't lock myself in and throw away the key.

the point of this sharing and caring?
- stop thinking too much, enjoy your prime and take advantage of it.
- don't restrict yourself because of silly rules or barriers that have been concocted by your doubts, insecurities and fears- they only exist in your mind.
- don't do anything because you think you should, do it because you feel you should.
- don't rationalise too much or too little, or be too impulsive.
- if it felt right the first time, it probably was. if it felt right the second time, it's probably because you convinced yourself it was.
- if you don't stress, there are no multiple scenarios and possibilities. there'll be no 'but's or 'what if's, there will only be what's really there.
- besides, stress makes you ugly and unattractive both physically, mentally and it'll come through in your personality.
- just do what you feel because you're the one who lives with the consequences and rewards.
- so long as you feel good, you'll do good and it will be good. :)


- jae.

hm

i don't believe things last, i believe people grow comfortable and accustomed to situations; reluctant to leave because they hate the idea of change, difference and making it by themselves- love, dependence or just attachment? descriptions are irrelevant. different words, different connotations- essentially they're the same, it's all about perspective.
don't get me wrong though, i do believe friendships last but when you think about it a lot of them last because they're convenient. friendships have less obligations and consequences and much more freedom than relationships. i'm not trying to be negative, just realistic- that's why you find you're sometimes closer to some than others. don't get me wrong though, that's not to say friendships are selfish- i love my friends to death, i really do and i know they understand what i mean. as for those who don't, and take this offensively- grow up please, you are no high-schooler (unless you really are). stop trying to be in everyone's good books, it just shows how easy it is to get into yours and everyone loves a bit of a chase.


- jae.

simple.

i want life to be simple.
not have all these difficulties and complications. life would be so easy without them, and i wouldn't have to cry about things that may not happen for a long long while. but what else can i do? it's like i'm just waiting for the inevitable. planning on what i will do. when it will happen. who will know first. where will i put everything. just thinking about it, makes me upset. life is too short to worry. but i guess i'm the worrying type. i don't really like not knowing what's going to happen on the next page of a book. i'm the type of person that doesn't really mind when somebody spoils the movie for me, at least i'll know what to expect. no surprises there. but i guess life isn't like a movie. it barely is for anyone. i wish it was though. things would be so much easier. and someone could tell me what was going to happen in a few years from now. i can prepare myself, for the best and the worst. and i can get everything out of the way. but while i wait for the movie spoiler, i'll just sit here and dwell on all the possibilities of something fucking up.

- r

dream.

the same similar dream.
what does it mean? coz it's really starting to scare me now.

- r