thoughts.

why is my mind flooded with thoughts i shouldn't be having? it's as if i live off being hurt.

love.

looks are deceiving. you're fucked. and so am i, i guess. maybe that's why we get along so well?

do i use the word "love" too often? i would say so. but i have a lot of love too share. different levels of love of course. the ones i really love the most know who they are. they're the ones i don't need to tell every single time i see them. i don't need you on my wall to know that you're in my heart. but i guess a reminder doesn't do anyone harm right?

i'm better! :D looks like i'm going to have to get a bit messyyy. but less busy. business is impure. and we don't want that do we? :)

- r

go.

so i've been thinking. and realise. in your life, i don't have much significance. maybe i should just leave before i'm left.

don't assume.

people call me materialistic like it's a bad thing.
this is why money makes me happy:
- cars don't take me for a ride, i ride them
- prices don't lie
- i like what i see, i get what i like
- my heart breaks only when my bank account does
- things i buy will stay with me as long as i want them to

everyone is materialistic, everyone has their price,
people just don't realise what kind of 'price' this is.
please don't flatter yourself by trying to deny it.
i admit, i have a price. what is it?
it doesn't matter, you couldn't afford me anyway.
hint: i really don't care how deep your pocket is.

- jae.

one.

why does it still hurt when i don't see what they do?

- r

insomnia.

i think i should stop turning superhuman on the weekends, my body clock is completely messed up, it seems to be having trouble differentiating between night and day. in bed by 9:45pm, didn't notice when 11 came around, no idea when i actually fell asleep, woke up at 1 for an unknown reason and couldn't get back to sleep tt" laid in bed till 4:30am and decided to just wake up since the sun was rising anyway, i'll sleep during the day. hopefully i can wake up for work. what the hell is wrong with me?

sigh, i fail at hibernating. why am i such a tool?

- jae.

distraction.

it's gotten to the point where there's too much to sort out that my head feels like exploding. i don't know if what i feel is sincere or just me trying to force it to fool everyone around me. it's pretty tiring hey. i need something to entertain me, distract me. anything. or maybe i just need you?

i'm sick. fml.

- r

old habbits die hard

so, i heard this line while crunken but can't remember the song;
"you can't play a player if unless you know how to play".
it made me realise, this isn't me; i don't need you, you don't know me, this is all just fun and games. you know what i tell you and see only what i show you. you may have been an exception to my rules but my rules weren't made to be broken. i commend you though, kudos. you did well, albeit not well enough.

despite me saying this now, i was hopeful at one point.
your window is disappearing, will you try stop it?
go on, prove me wrong, little boy.

- jae.

don't.

i need to learn to walk away. don't follow, don't lead. i think i just need to be on my own. everyone needs their space right? so when we try give you yours, why don't you take it? it's there for the taking. maybe once you've had enough, you'd have sorted out your priorities. i don't know. but it's getting to the same point it used to be.

every time i try to stay away i can't. i need to learn to stay away. for my own good, and probably everyone elses.

- r

live more, think less.

i should listen to my own advice.

- jae.

steal your love and leave.

lately, i feel different. something is changing, but i can't quite put my finger on it. maybe it's you, maybe it's me? and i fail at not eating junk food. pretty sure i just devoured my dad's chips :( WHY. okay, i need to gain my self control again. coz this week i've been failing pretty bad!

young money thieves, have stolen my love. i hope they don't leave. (only people who listen to that would understand what i mean, sigh.) i'm so gee these days i just don't know what to do with myself. hahah. lil wayne and nicki minaj are my new best friends :) I HATE WINTER - i sleep too much, eat more, wake up cold, become lazier (moreso than usual), and i get sick! ughh, one more winter to go through. yay =="

- r

people.

i haven't had much to say lately. i still don't.
okay, i lied. i have lots to say, i always do :) this time, more so than usual but everything is so strange to me now. i don't know where to start, what goes with what or how to deal with these thoughts. i thought i had it all figured out, everything planned out- pffft, who am i trying to fool? you know how some say "the best nights are the unplanned ones" i wonder if that applies to people too?

- jae.

bitch.

sometimes i stop and think if i would be able to change somebody. change how they act, think, dress, speak. but then. if i changed all that, what would i like about you? would that interest in you that i have fade away, or would it make things better. because i would change you into 'who i want you to be'. attraction is a weird thing. what others see as 'fucked up' i see as interesting, what others see as 'sweet' i see as stupid. i guess life isn't meant to be as simple as that. there's no easy way out, or in. it's just a bitch.

- r

'need'

i only need you as much as you need me. if i don't see you make an effort to keep me in your life, i'm not gonna make an effort to stay. simple.

- jae.

today.

is a new day. and tomorrow, a new week. i wonder what lies in store for me this time. all i know is that i need to get back into routine and quit going to sleep at 1am like i have been lately. this can't be good for my body, especially my sleeping habits. i feel so tired lately. maybe i'm working too much? or i just need to harden the fuck up. i don't know what it is.

i have unlimited space in my room now. what should i put in it :)?

- r

lucky.

lucky it's you, and not someone else. i'd probably hate you, if you weren't you.

i've come to the conclusion that alcohol, food, drugs, facebook, metro city, and idiots are forms of the devil. i hate you all. and combined, i hate you even more. kthanks.

- r

family.

you can't play the parent role when you feel like it. don't lecture me like a father just to ruin my day, don't tell me i'm a selfish, inconsiderate little brat you hypocritical bastard. just go back to how you were before, when you didn't care. trying to fix things now is only gonna make it worse. for as long as i can remember, you were always too busy playing daddy to some other whore than your own kids. stop while you're ahead, while i'm still hesitantly calling you my father.

- jae.

change.

i've decided that i shouldn't be rescued anymore. simply because i don't want to rely on people. people shouldn't be relied on, because no matter how close you are to someone or how much you think they care about you or you care about them, one day, they won't be as big a part of your life as they are. and when that day comes, it will be too much of a struggle for me to fend on my own. but i guess that's why you meet new people, make new friends and replace them with the ones that have left you. i learned that the hard way already, i don't think i want to go through that again.

so last night i went overboard (once again). i really should stop doing that, it's really getting old and i feel sorry for everyone. maybe if i drank daily i wouldn't feel the need to go hardcore on the weekend? haha, NO. it's time for purity. full purity, besides the smoking of cigarettes because it makes me feel better these days. i don't know why? i should quit while i'm ahead, but i really don't give a fuck. it's okay, i can control it. i have self control. except when it gets to drinking. now i realise why it's against my religion to drink.

i can't believe how much can change in two years. it seriously feels like everyone is taking their own paths in life. one of my best childhood friends is having a baby soon! she's so beautiful. i can't wait for her to have her bubba, he will be just as a good person as she is. i miss hanging out with her. and now she has a full motherly feel about her it's so weird! it makes me feel like i'm not taking my life seriously enough. but i guess everyone goes at their own pace.

- r

addiction.

this addiction can't be good for me

- jae.

package.

so a package came today, my heart skipped a beat when i saw the address on the back "Saint Julien, Geneva" - grandmama! :D
it's funny how you tend to forget about distant relatives when you keep yourself so busy everyday, i can barely remember where i leave my keys every time i set them down. oh, how i miss her dearly ): her teapot physique, her adorable little waddle, how she can't see above my shoulders. i miss you, grandmama ): i was sorely disappointed, however, when i opened this package. grandma used to send me swiss and french chocolates all the time and after she stopped i went through this phase where i didn't eat sweets at all. yes, i know, surprising? unbelievable? anyway, that all stopped about about 6-7 years ago though but the child in me couldn't help but be hopeful, eagerly unwrapping the package like my nephews on christmas morning. to my dismay, my aunty had sent over vietnamese cd's for the parentals. was it really necessary to send such things half way across the world T_T eugh, i hate the feeling of disappointment.

this reminded me of something a friend once told me
"expect nothing from anyone, and you won't be disappointed"
if you shut up for five minutes and just watch,
you'll understand why i said no -
then again, i don't expect you to
and that's why i'll never say yes.


- jae.

vent.

sometimes it takes intoxication and influence from your best friend for you to have the courage to say something that you wouldn't think of saying sober with the fear of causing conflict. but i guess things that bother you won't be able to resolved until you voice them, or do something about it. like, how the fuck is that stupid fly gonna die unless you smack the shit out of it?

i've been inside pretty much every sunny day this week. how sad. i love the sun. the sun reminds me of baby animals, pretty flowers, skipping and holding hands. nawhh, hehehe. it also reminds me of happiness. and wow do i sound like a hippy right now. rofl. why do i always wake up coughing? :( i don't even smoke anymore. except on the weekends, which is like one cigarette. why am i so weak all of a sudden! i need garlic and vitamin c pronto! :O i blame the coldness. I HATE WINTER GO DIE IN A HOLE HOMOOO.

ergh, i have work tonight. i can't wait to quit this homo job with all the homoness it possesses. it steals away my day and half my night :( what kind of shit is that!?

- r

sorry, do i know you?

so i've decided i'm going to take a break from partying all the time. i don't think i can handle it anymore. and metros, don't get me started on that giant dramaland. people need to grow the fuck up, keep their mouths shut, and move on. you don't mean shit to me, so stop trying to get my attention by starting shit. do i know you, sorry?

the other night i realised why we weren't close anymore. i figured it's coz you're a dickhead. yeah, that's about it. i already have one important dickhead in my life, i don't really need two. you didn't use to be one. what happened to you? :/ i don't think i'll ever know the answer, and i can't say i really care anymore. this is not worth my time anymore.

starting next week it's all two fruit five veges babyyy! wooo! and no alcohol (secret sadface) LOL. it's sunny today. yay :) shame half of my friends are nocturnal or working and i can't go on a nice stroll with anyone :(

- r

phonecall.

so, after six months of not speaking to me,
me not knowing where you've been,
what you've been doing,
or who you've been with -
you decide to call out of the blue.
hah, such perfect timing,
i was just thinking about you the other day.
don't get me wrong though, i don't care about any of the above.
not anymore atleast.
after so many phone calls and arguments,
i just don't want to try anymore.
then again, it's not like you can even remember them, right?
all the phone calls i made to you,
all the arguments i had to just forget about it;
you can't remember any of them, not a single one.
so if it's only me that remembers, maybe it wasn't real.
maybe i had dreamt it all up,
maybe that guy i once knew was a figment of my imagination.
oh well, that's the past now anyway
because no matter what you try to tell me,
you're not that same boy that took my breath away.

- jae.

numb.

don't involve me in shit i don't need to be. don't say that you don't want me to be involved. you're the one that caused this. it's not my fault you're an idiot. and the fact is, i can't help but care. and because i do, i take it out on the others that haven't been idiots. which i am sorry for. i need to learn to keep my worries to myself, and stop burdening others. i'm sorry. maybe i just need space.

why does this still feel like a game to me? is it just me, or us? i can't tell anymore :( and now i wake up feeling like things aren't the same. is that just me too? or are we just destined to always be playing games. if we are, maybe this isn't what we were supposed to be all along? i'm tired. i don't want to think anymore. every week brings something new, something i didn't ask for.

- r

acceptance.

i always thought that if i kept telling myself something
that eventually it'd be true.
"keep smiling like everything's okay
and eventually it will be" -
keep telling myself i don't need you
and eventually i won't.
i still don't think i need you,
but i would really like you to still be part of my life.
i can deal with waking up every morning
knowing you're not here and you never will be.
i can deal with knowing i was only a fleeting moment in your life.
i can deal with it. really, i can.
even though i may not want to.
i don't want to keep comparing every potential suiter to you,
i don't want your voice to keep sounding in my head,
i don't want to see your face everytime i close my eyes.
sometimes, i wish i never met you at all.
sometimes, i'm glad that i did 'cause now
i know never to let my guard down,
not even for you - this is what you've done to me.

- jae.