owie.

we leave our past behind us because we choose to move on. not to forget it or regret it, but so we can grow and become who we want to be. we choose who we want be surrounded by, because in the end of the day they mean the most to us. but what happens when the people you want to be with, don't want to be around you anymore? is that when it's time to move on, and let it go. do we grow from this experience and just watch them pass by? i don't wouldn't know what to do, because letting go is something i'm not good at. i wish i was, then life wouldn't be so hard. i wouldn't constantly be trying to make things work. i guess growing apart is something you would never want to imagine, nor think about. everyone you love is just too important for you to leave behind. but of course, if you're not loved the same way, you're the one standing at the back of the crowd thinking "yeah, i used to know you too". don't think about it, just move on. it's in the past, and forward is where we all aim for.

i don't remember the last time my mouth hurt this much. when i think about it, i don't even know why i used to take so many drugs. the toll it has on your body is just incredible. i feel sore from head to toe! of course that could also be from drinking on saturday night too. when will i ever learn? sigh. someone help me with self control, i really need it.

- r

ice-cream.

say in a crazy, whacked parallel universe things were different.
we could pass each other on the street, make eye contact
i could be the girl of your dreams,
you could be the colour in my b&w life
and this could be some disgusting, cute love story.

but no- in this world, in this reality
we met at the club and made seedy, drunken eye contact
i happened to be a girl who got your attention
you just happened to be caucasian x:
and this turned out to be another typical skanky night

in this particular dimension,, i already have a favourite
and if i was a colour, it would be me.
in this ugly, corrupt world dreams are tainted
and are usually driven by a selfish ulterior motive.
this me redefines selfishness and indifference.

in another world, another me is living my far-fetched dreams.
another me has already met the guy i never will,
a home that's never empty and a father who never yells.
she had the childhood i missed, the innocence i lost
and genuinely believes in a greater good.

if fantasies are another's reality, can it still be a fantasy?
by definition, a fantasy should be purely psychological.
imaginative conceptualisation. all in the head.
what if my reality, was her fantasy?
which would be fantasy and reality? what's real and what's not?
what the hell do i want /:

- jae.

reality check

most people want to travel the world before they die, i want to do it three times. once in my twenties to party, once in my thirties-fourties to live and work, and again when i'm old, retired and wrinkly. i'll wine, dine, sleep and be chauffeured around to see the sites and buy my grandchildren presents and swiss chocolates (:

overly ambitious? maybe but the hopeless, blubbery stuff i'm always ranting on about is way too unrealistic. i will always want things i don't have, that's just me- a greedy, pretentious brat and quite frankly, i'm not prepared to surrender my car, my clothes, my family, my money, my friends, my memories, my anything. they are all mine- mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! you are all mine. no matter how i whinge and wine about not wanting any of it, i'm not prepared to let go of it or any one of you- maybe for a few weeks though (: just for funsies. let's face it- how many guys in perth have french accents and move like they're used to getting around in tight spaces ;)

the thought of it in nice though, without a doubt but this is the twenty-first century- stuff like that just doesn't happen. Cinderella would've been mobbed for her shoes long before she got to that ball, assuming someone didn't steal her carriage first.

bisous, bisous! x
- jae.

wistful desire

"le prix d'amour, c'est seulement amour,
il faut aimer si l'on veut etre aime."
the price of love is simply love, one must love to be loved-
i want to lie at your feet and die in your arms.
- Voltaire

"l'orgueil est le consolateur des faibles."
pride is the consolation of the weak.
- Vauvenargues

i want to party all night at the highest point of Paris, admiring the grandeur of the Basilique du Sacre-Coeur in a drunken stupor and ride the Karusell because that's how he'll make me feel.

i want to wake up in the morning, climb out of his arms to the breath-taking view of the Parisian skyline from the butte Montmartre, only to look back and think "mm, maybe another five minutes".

i want to shop on Boulevard Haussmann and Avenue Montaigne, explore Saint-Ouen's flea market and the west end neighbourhood of Champs-Elysees, where i'll lose time as i stroll down the belles promenades towards the Arc de Triomphe and the Louvre.

then i'll experience gateau and parfait by the Seine that will seduce every taste bud a thousand times over, rivaled only by the debonair sitting across from me.

i want to see where saint Denis was born and be able to immerse myself in the now-contemporary/rural neightbourhood where Monet, Picasso and Van Gogh were inspired, producing timeless pieces.

i want to see where the Cossacks held ground, critical in their invasion of France, taking the reigns of Paris and be overwhelmed by emotion so complex that i'd vaguely understand it.

i want to take in the scenery of the Parisian outskirts, the French countryside and Genevan meadows on the five hour drive to grandmama's in Saint Julien and have home-made gratin dauphinois for dinner.

i want to wake up and find myself completely lost, engulfed in someone else's world, far away from my own - no more nine-to-five job, unseen by familiar eyes. a place where my own life up to that moment doesn't exist, where i'm simply a face with five letter word attached. maybe then i'll finally stop complaining about how perfect it is and actually appreciate it- but if it's so perfect, why do i want so much more.. or should i say less? what if i don't appreciate it? what if i become so infatuated that i want to stay as someone else's mon plus cher? i wonder how selfish i really am...

i want too much..
bisous, jae x

war.

take what you want, say what you mean, do what you feel-
fuck those who care, love those who don't.
live for that moment, learn from the past
don't think about the future.
once the moment is gone, no one will care but you.
whatever the outcome- people may remember, people may not
but you're the one left with that annoying "what if"

think about these, which is the more renowned historical figure-
Schindler or Hitler? Gandhi or Stalin?
past Australian Prime Ministers versus Mussolini or Lenin?
look at cheating, lying, scheming businessmen- they're at the top of the ladder.

sure, you have druggies, criminals whatever who are just bleh~ but they're stupid. except those drug lords you see on underbelly and stuff, they're just gangster /: my point is, as sadistic as Stalin, Hitler or Mussolini may be, they did what they wanted and were remembered- even if it was because they massacred so many people. Australian PMs always did what they thought were the best interest of the public- look what happened to Rudd /: by his own people no less. as for former PMs, i couldn't remember their names even if i had to re-do my history exam.

then again, i guess the world would be a pretty messed up place if everyone thought like i did but that's because majority of people nowadays lack the motivation to do or be anything if they were left to do as they pleased and have the capacity to amount to nothing. not to mention the blatant lack of respect for elders amongst my generation /: as well as social etiquette and many other qualities i won't mention but you get my drift..

i'm not saying everyone is stupid, naive, conceited, deluded and obnoxious, just some- a few are combinations /: harsh? grow a pair and prove me wrong. my head, my world- in my life, i am God and until someone has the balls to tell me otherwise, i quite like this view from the clouds. i probably have all the above traits to be honest but i know where to draw the line.

all this being said- luckily there's only one of me, otherwise the world would have another United League of Nations following the aftermath of a WWIII x:

- jae.

push.

and on the way home i cried to depressing songs.
i was afraid i was gonna hit something hey :/
just like in the movies, when the girl is driving away from heartbreak and she's like sobbing her eyes out. then BAM she gets hit by a truck or some shit. i didn't want that to be me, but the chances were pretty high. coz my nose is still runny :(

sometimes i think that it just wasn't meant to be. two completely different worlds colliding? is it really a good idea? i don't know if opposites actually attract. and i don't know if i'm ever meant to be with anyone at all. i need to grow up. before i push this too far.

- r

sleep.

i don't want to be this way,
i think i need more sleep.

- r

always.

first the worst,
second the best,
third the what? :/

coming second. that's how it's always gonna be.
no quite sure that it's really the best though.

- r

tranny.

why so awesome for g-tran? :$

love.

what is love? is love unconditional or something teenagers feel for the first six months of a relationship until they grow bored of the person they're with?
what's the difference between loving your family, friends or your other half? is there even one? love is supposed to be unconditional, yet so many people i know don't love each other forever. it's always up to the other to keep it going. whether it's loving your best friend, loving your girlfriend, loving your boyfriend, loving your brother even.
what is this unknown emotion? people say it so freely, yet do they really know what it is? you may think you're falling in love when you meet "the one". but is it really love, or merely attraction on it's own? you're not attracted to your family (well i would hope not), yet you love them so much. unconditionally. how can you love someone else the same way?

- r

tomorrow.

(i know this is cliche but-) tomorrow is always so near yet we never quite get there, so what's the rush? everyone's always running around, so busy doing this, doing that, always having to be somewhere but does anyone really know where they 'have' to go? sometimes you need to slow down and enjoy the scenery, tomorrow will always be tomorrow no matter how fast you try to get there- so what's the harm in just one more day?

- jae.

shut up!

just stop with your stupid fucking plans. i don't want to hear any of it anymore. the more you open your mouth, the more i lose respect for you. i don't think you understand how much everybody gives up and puts up with for you. you do things on the spur of the moment, not knowing how much it's going to effect the rest of us. it's not fair. you've done it before, and now you want to do it again. your promises mean shit.

- r

not over you.

need.

i don't think you need me,
as much as i need you.

- r

bitch.

i don't know why the smaller things are getting to me these days. i think i need to stop being such a bitch.

-r

corner.

you never know what's around the corner. never expect anything from anyone, because you never know if they're gonna be around forever. and be prepared for hard times, because in the end it's up to you to piece it all back together. don't lose hope, don't lose yourself and grow as much as you can. life is all about experience, don't let the bad things bring you down.

- r

spoons.

oh good old high school days and the things that amused us all.

dick.

there's a point where enough is enough. i've always had so much patience with you and yet it's just not enough. even when i don't see you, you're still trying to bring me down. does it amuse you? making me feel this way? i don't know what i could have possibly done to make you like this, but this is seriously just enough for me. i'm so over pretending that everything is okay. and the way you treat me is okay. i don't know what ever could have happened but this is far from tough love. you're just a fucking dickhead.

- r