best.

we've been together for a very long time, longer than i ever would have expected <3

pasar malam.

how dare you fags drive there without me :( LOL

don't go.

baby, please don't go
if i wake up tomorrow, will you still be here?
i don't know, if you feel the way i do.
if you leave i'm gon' find you.
baby please don't go go, go go.

yep.

this is going to be interesting.

too much?

when can you tell when you've had too much of something?
well, i can tell when i've had too much food. i feel full.
i can tell when i've had too much sun. i turn super black.
i can tell when i've been going out "too much". my mum starts to ignore me.
i can tell when i've been a lazy fuck. my room gets too messy.
i can tell when i've been wasting too much money. i get poor.
but how can i tell now? maybe time will tell.

- r

thought.

inspiration, where do i find it?

- r

games.

i'm not sadistic,
i just like to play games.
seeing the way people react to different things amuse me. not in a way i want to see them hurt. but in a way that i can see who they really are.

- r

daydream.

the blank expression on my face is probably not because i'm thinking too hard. but because i'm not thinking at all. what the fuck have i been doing my whole life?
i live in a daydream..

- r

naive.

i think i had an epiphany today. i've found myself quite unmotivated lately, in terms of uni- seriously, i'm like barely passing my units D: i feel like a hypocrite, friends always ask me about changing courses and if i ever regret wasting x amount of time. i've always replied "no, because now i don't hate waking up for uni because i don't mind what i'm doing" which is true but i think that, in the back of my mind, i'm going to keep regretting not taking that break after high school. i won't make excuses- it's not because i think i deserve it, i'm just a slacker that would've preferred to take a year off to work, travel and shop before going back to a routine i had already been doing for 12 consecutive years.
i told mama that i might not go back to uni next year, her being okay with this isn't making me want to try any harder but my mentality is that i have the rest of my life, or at least my 20s, to make up for a messed up semester or two of uni, i can't make up for not living my teens to the fullest. i know what i'm like, i'd regret forcing myself to study now and being discontent more than i'd regret coming back to my second year when i'm 20.
i guess no matter how much i protest the idea, at the end of the day i'm still a little girl who hangs off her mama's every word, eagerly waiting to be praised after every chore.. just because i do 'grown-up' things means nothing. call me a skank, hoe, whore, whatever. i really couldn't care less what you think, my extra-curricula activities keep me occupied enough ;) and even you seem to find them more fascinating than your own, i don't see why what i do behind closed doors should concern you- unless it's your boyfriend. to me, they're all just fun and games. i like fun and games (: oh, and ice-cream.. and cake :D i had ice-cream for breakfast today, omnomnom.

- jae.

love me better.

say that i'm the realest, one you ever met.
but boy this is the realest, thing i ever said.
if you give me the world it won't mean nothing.
coz if you leave my world then i won't have nothing.
and this is from my heart, this is from my soul.
lovers may come, lovers may go.
but i don't worry 'bout a thing, coz as long as we're together
babe i know, i know, i know, no one's gonna love me better.

spoilt.

my head's been way up in the clouds lately but with weather this perfect, how could it not be? i do think i need to come back down though. if i continue like this, the only lasting relationships i'll have is with my vuitton belt, armani bag, my eau de parfum collection and my addiction to sweets and pastries- not to mention my fascination with all other things european ;) so basically, things that aren't restricted to a specific season.
mama needs to stop princess-ing me D: people not to stop agreeing with me. argue back, stop letting me have my way, don't let me give you attitude- be stubborn and unreasonable, make me angry (it's not that hard), test our friendship and see how far i'll go for you.
you all make my life too easy, too perfect, too boring.

- jae.

plastic.

gots a spray tan today, quite like it (h) the lady is super cute
her name is panda (: and her son is super hot, TEHEHEHE.
also, i think i met THE sexiest man alive last night-
<3 topless waiters, but they're all probably skanks.
not that i can talk :/
i think i'm turning plastic ):
is this bad..?

- jae.

blog.

there's just too many thoughts in my mind that i can't even group them all into one thing in one blog entry. there's this, and that, and that, and this. what does it all mean to me? i really don't know.
a lot has happened in these past few weeks. for a moment there i thought i had lost something that i held so close to my heart that i thought i was going to breakdown, never to be seen again. and then all of a sudden it's all come back together. i know it won't ever be the same. but you know, you learn from experiences in your life. not from what other people tell you. you take what you have and you use it. take the advice people pass on to you but figure things out for yourself. and always remember who you are to begin with and why you are this way. because no matter how much people try or do influence you, it's still your life and not theirs. and decisions you make effect you more than anyone.
man, i don't even know how this blog became about all this in depth bullshit. i guess that's what really always runs through my mind all the time :/

i find it amusing when people over analyse things and i hear about it. makes me wonder why that thought even arose in their minds. i know i over analyse things, but that's just because i'm an idiot. and i get worried and paranoid over things too easily. and taking those drugs probably didn't help the situation. nothing i do probably helps any situation. luckily, i have great friends and family surrounding me. so that whenever that does happen, i realise it and know how to keep it together. or at least try to. i feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have the same thing. but i guess that's what makes me, me. and you, you.

- r

life.

fuck my life hey.

- r

die.

this weekend is going to be total suicide for my body. i'm already feeling fucking sick. and now i gotta go out and party. oh noes! :( LOL. just kidding.
It's one of my favourite times of the year, GODSKITCHEN ;D best memories at this event. and i plan to keep collecting more. oh trance music how i love you <3 hahaha. paramore is this sunday too! Hayley Williams please sex me you wranga sex bomb! :X

- r

where.

it's a been a while. where have you gone baby? :(

- r

why?

why do you do the things you do? i will never know. it's sort of irritating. but then again, who knows what the hell you want? sure i'll never know that either. and maybe that's a good thing. don't think i wanna know anyways, ughh.

some dreams i have seem so real that i really do expect them to happen. it makes me sorta sad. but what can you do? maybe it's my subconscious telling me something? :O

f.

go fuck yourself.

hoes.

there are people that are your bros. and there are people that are your hoes. can you still have hoes when you're in love? i dunno. but it seems like you have. i have more bros over anything. and they're always going to be around. even if they say stupid things, or do stupid things. i'm still gonna be around too. i don't know how hoes sticking around works though. i guess they just hover hey. hm. cool story bro.

- r

crushed.

you know those little crushes when you see someone around here and they know a few people you know blah blah blah. they don't phase you much but when you see them it's like "nawuh, you're so cute :3 i want to eat you". i had one of those, then i found out he's a model. totally mind-blown. kaboom- there goes my chance :/

- jae.

hurt.

you don't seem to understand. and neither do i. something is clearly wrong with me. i know that. and i'm sorry. things can't be taken back, and sometimes it's a good thing. but this time is it really? i won't know until the day comes. i know i won't do what i said i wouldn't but you still don't seem to believe me. and that's your choice. even though it may have hurt. the truth hurts sometimes. and i know that. and just because it hurts it doesn't mean that everything should change.
everyone sees things in different perspective, but i want you to see it from mine. just a little. the last thing i wanted to do was to hurt you, and hearing about it makes me cry. being a crybaby isn't easy you know, my eyes hurt too. making me feel guilty isn't going to make things better either, it may just make it worse. because the more i feel like this. the more i won't want to do anything at all. i really do love you. loving someone like me isn't easy.

i'm lucky to have someone like you. you've stuck by me through thick and thin. and i love and respect you for that. knowing that you'll catch me when i fall is the best thing i could ever think of. even through all the shit, and through all the people i've known and met. you are the only one. and i couldn't be happier with the way things are with us. i know you're gonna be by my side for a long long time. longer than him anyway. coz he's just a cunt. a cunt in disguise because everyone else is yet to realise what he really is. fucking dick. LOL

- r