happy.

oh fat cat you have made my day :)

food.

i want to eat. but should i? :O

you.

say all these words. test my emotions. in the end i'm still the one who's left with that sinking feeling. i don't care if you think it's stupid, because that's how i am. you wouldn't understand that though. because you don't know me. and now i feel like i don't want to know you. it's probably me being insecure, childish, or being just a plain sook. but you know, why do that when i would never do that to you?
it's because of all of these things i've become who i am today. find me about two years prior to this and i wouldn't have been that girl that stands there and analyzes everything you do and say. because back then i believed everyone was a good person. i clearly stand corrected. it's people like you that make me insecure. it's people like you that i can't trust. it's people like you that i don't want to be around..

- r

independent.

i live by my own rules, with my own consequences. my accomplishments, my failures all result from my own decisions, made by me. my downfall will be my own making, no one else, as will my success. so when it's my time to shine you best get hell out of my way, bitch. all these things are, and will be, mine and mine alone.
don't worry, you can be my superstar and i'll be your limelight. together, we're the life of the club, addicted to the night-life. just remember one thing though, without me you're just another pretty nameless face on the dark dancefloor but i'll always shine, with or without you. don't forget whose show this is.

- jae.

tooth.

see that cute black tooth? yeah, i don't have it :( instead, i won two of my own toys. i'm so cool. :D

meng's hands look so manly/vainy :|

- r

roads.

dearest r,

in reply to your query-
i've never believed that you can make people stay, everyone has certain times in life when they feel closer to certain people. it's hardly ever that you'll meet someone who'll hold your hand the whole way through but when you do, you know never to let go. everyone has their own roads to go down, just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not there though. sometimes yours will have turns and obstacles which make you feel like you've fallen behind, sometimes theirs will. try closing your eyes and holding your hand out, someone is bound to grab it. then when the fog clears up, you'll realise that no one really went anywhere to begin with.

and definitely stories sometime soon (: i like stories.

- jae. xx

urgh.

i don't know who looks out for who these days. everyone is being a jerk.

- r

email.

dearest jae,
we are in the 21st century. so i'm sending you an email. not a godamn letter! hahah. but your letter was very touching, i have tears in my eyes :< i'm such a sook sometimes. no, i'm a sook a lot of the time. a cry baby too. i really need to get my emotions under control, coz crying is not fun when you have make up on. and a runny nose isn't fun either. so i think i should just stop, and listen to some GLEE! LOL
i miss you so jae, we need to catch up! and you need to tell me your stories. oh how i've missed them.i miss everyone's stories, sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on so much. but these days all i do is sleep, eat, fast, go toilet, work and break things. sighface.
the memories we have will never fade, that's how much you mean to me :) but sometimes it feels like everyone is drifting away, and i don't know how to make them drift back. suggestions?

- r

doodoo.

it was fun while it lasted but i think i'm gonna call it quits. you're no good for me, i didn't think i'd let it get to me this much. it started off as something physical but turned into something more. i lose my composure when you're around, you somehow get the best of me and i do things i regret in the morning.
together, we're sickeningly adorable. i become so child-like and naive, needing your constant attention and content with nothing else. to my pleasure, you give in to my childish demands, let down your douche-bag exterior and reveal someone i wasn't expecting to find.
apart, we could start our own soap opera. when the doors open, our walls come back up. my hot-headedness gets ahead of me and you have to bear the grunt. your douche-bag exterior doesn't help with my insecurities and neither do those stupid little girls chasing you around.
we're both too proud and egotistical, there is no middle-ground and neither of us are going to change. i don't want you to be just another chapter in my life, i don't want another messed-up story to start just so it can end because i know it will, so i won't let it.
it turns out this was more than a mere obsession but don't get me wrong, walking away from this now couldn't be any easier.

- jae.

letter.

dearest r,
i know this seems completely random and strange but i wanted to write something about how i've missed you and how fond i am of the memories we have together (: and since we share this blog, i thought this would be most appropriate.
i know lately we haven't been spending much time together, we both have our own lives and things to do but there isn't a day that you don't come to mind. even though we haven't known each other that long, you come before many others that i've known longer and you always will (: being one of my best friends, i hate seeing you troubled and not being able to do anything about it but know that i'm always ten digits away. even if i don't know what to say, i'll just sit there and be sad with you.

- jae.

sometimes.

sometimes i miss you so much it hurts. and the fact i can't even do what i said i would hurts me even more. i don't know how to fix it. help me. coz i still love you, even if you don't think i do.

- r

let it go.

let it go. it's not that big of a deal. and if you think it is, that's too bad for you. coz i don't think like that. and i thought you did too. whatever happens from now on, will help me see how things really are. coz lately things have been a little blurry. but as soon as things go back to how they were, we can see how it goes.

yay my parents are back. i wonder how long it's gonna be until they start to drive me crazy again. but for now, i'm really liking the home made food and the chats with my mummy. she's a funny woman. :)

- r

obsessed.

I think it's funny when girls think they actually have feelings for someone but then it turns out to be some sort of sick infatuation. I know I have no feelings what-so-ever for you but for some reason when you're around everything turns upside down- I mumble, I stutter, I don't know what to say, butterflies in my stomache go out of control, my knees get weak and trust me, the redness on my face isn't the blush. When I don't see you, I wonder where you are- Why? I don't really care, I just want to know?
Someone once told me "it's almost impossible for girls to distinguish between physical and emotional attraction", it's so true. I liked what I saw and I want more- plain and simple. You're like a Krispy Kreme. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway, the only difference is a Krispy Kreme has never gotten away from me. As I've said before, emotions are just a way our minds keep themselves from getting bored.

You are my sick obsession.

- jae.

right.

and no matter how hard i try, this will never go away. and no matter how much you try to reassure me, i will never be reassured. i'm sorry i can't help that but that's just the way it is. so all i can do is just wait for the inevitable to happen, so i can prove you wrong and tell you i'm right.

- r

four steps.

the four steps of life hey. we'll see if that works. so far it's going okay. losing people and knowing who is gonna stay is a tough job, but everyone needs to go through it. including you. i don't want you to think i'm leaving you to fend on your own, and i don't want you to think i don't care about you. coz i do. i just want you to have your own life, to be independent and be the person i know you can be. don't be scared to talk to me, you know i'm always here for you no matter what happens. and don't you go forgetting that!

my sudden change of heart isn't for the benefit of you. it's for the benefit of everyone. haters can hate and lovers can love. i know that i'm not a hater, i don't even know why i seemed like i was changing into one. i'm sorry.

- r

"Crave You" - Flight Facilities

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you.
Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you, the next, you are gone.
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage,
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage.
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you.

- jae.

intentions.

have never really meant anything to me. people always say "atleast their heart is in the right place" or "their intentions were good" blah blah blah, shut the fuck up. if they honestly meant it, they'd do it- intentions are meaningless unless you act on them and if you want it bad enough, you'll make it happen. everybody has the potential to accomplish wonderous feats, they just don't realise it and like everything else - if other people are to recognise your potential, you must do so first.

- jae.

awkwardddd

i don't know what it is but this is starting to feel a bit awkward. how about we give it some time and space and see if this is still the same? drifting away may happen, but it always does right? SIGH.

my mum and dad left this morning. i'm sorta sad :/

- r