yumyum.

jae jae chicken
sweet and yummy, like me ;)
..i joke

anywho, i've noticed my entries have been quite angry lately, i wonder why. moving on, remember that hot brazilian-mauritius personal trainer? yeah, lately, he's just not hot anymore :/ not too sure why, he looks the same, but yeah. i got a new trainer today. he too is quite the yummy, i mean hottie, and already has his degree. slovakian though, i'm not sure whether that's good or bad. number on the first day - win >;) i should stop though, it's all fun and games until someone trips. not to say that it will happen, just a possibility. does being the way i am make me a bad person? :/ i don't know, sigh. on a side note, i think someone needs to deflate my ego.

- jae.

annoying.

how do you make a compromise with people that want everything to be done their way? there's nothing you can really do when shit goes down like that. i don't even know how i feel anymore, and frankly i don't know how you feel anymore. i'm sorry that it had to happen but i don't want things to change. although for some reason, i have a feeling they will now. if things are going to change i want them to change on my own terms, not someone elses. i guess we'll just have to see how things play out. you never know, it could blow over. or it could just escalate into something much worse. i don't like not knowing the future. but i guess that's why time goes by, and you learn from your mistakes.

i just don't like being in this situation. i can't do anything. that's just annoying.

- r

gtfo.

you cannot fathom the immensity of the fuck i do not give. who you are, how old you are, what you do, does not matter. you are nothing to me. as far as i'm concerned, you will do as you are told, or get the fuck out of my way, and my life while you're at it.

- jae.

upset.

it's annoying how i cry so easily. it makes me feel like such a sook. but i can't help it if what you do upsets me. the tears just start streaming down my face unintentionally. i don't even know myself why it happens so easily. i guess i just can't accept what happens, and frankly i don't think i ever will. that upsets me. i can't accept that people change, and having a feeling that things will never be the same. that upsets me. i can't accept the things you do, and knowing i will never be able to change you. that upsets me. i can't accept hearing so many things at once about other people, and trying to help but failing terribly. that upsets me. and whenever i try to stay away from all the dramas and the bullshit. it just won' leave me alone. i guess that's what upsets me the most. i feel like i'm in some weird stage in life where i just don't know where i stand with everyone.
so i'm just gonna go stand over there, by myself until someone joins me and doesn't upset me.

- r

sleeeeep.

so i've finally caught up on my sleep since last friday. at least i think i have. sorry to my darling who just lied there next to me last night watching the office alone. har har har. but now i'm the one behind :( oh well, day off today! at least until five anyways ==" sigh, i keep eating! why oh why! i need to start eating healthy food again, then maybe i'll stop getting sick all the time. yes, i am getting sick again. marvelous! D:

and happy birthday to jer jer! sorry i didn't bring your present last night, but at least you got to watch the running man after dinner! :D lol

- r

ewww.

so degrading is this melancholy state of emotional attachment. eugh, i hate this. the attachment isn't to you either, you irritate me way too much. it's that feeling you used to give me that i miss, something i'll never get back no matter how hard either of us try.

- jae.

complicated.

you don't make it very easy for me to love you. is it just the decisions i make or am i just a stupid idiot? i know i shouldn't be influenced so easily, but that was just a slap in the face. i guess people just don't get it. or maybe i just don't get. just when i think things are fine, everyone else thinks things aren't. is it just me or am i just satisfied too easily? what i do know is, we take each other for granted. and the day that we realise what we've done wrong to each other, it'll be too late to fix it. i don't want that day to come. but what can i do? things can never be perfect, and i will never expect them to be. i guess i should have higher expectations of you. but how do i have those higher expectations without trying to change you? there's no win in this situation. just complication.

so i've decided that my birthday isn't a very relative date at all and that it's not really worth celebrating. and seeing as it's not worth celebrating, i'm pretty sure half the people i expect to remember it. won't. i'm cool with that though. i don't have very good memory either. lol. clubbing is so ave. so why do i still go? i think i should invest in some sort of entertainment in my house besides my laptop and indonesian tv T__T

- r

indifference is my facade.

i can't tell if i'm so cold-hearted that i don't register emotions, or is it that i'm just incapable of understanding them? i'll feel it for a moment and then nothing. are all emotions just fleeting? they come and go so quickly that i barely have time to experience them, let alone recognise what they are. was it hope that turned into sour disappointment? was it lust that became unfilfilled longing? or was it love that ended in heartbreak? pffft, the latter is highly unlikely, nothing more than a mere possibility.
then again, who am i to say such things, i have no idea what 'love' is in that sense. i always thought that when someone you 'loved' left you, your entire world would come crashing down, that's how you know you're in love. a friend scoffed when i told her this :/so what is love? everyone has a different definition of it i guess. emotions have no physical characteristics to distinguish one from another and being intangible, there is no way to measure them either. so there is no empirical way to prove that emotions really exist, they're just concoctions of our minds, a mental tool used to complicate situations unnecessarily. yeah, i quite like that reasoning, i think i'll stick with that one.
on an end note though, there is also the possibility that i subconsciously choose to suppress these emotions, refusing to let them surface. that couldn't be though, it's not as though i choose to be emotionally insensitive, it's just embedded in me.


- jae.

why?

why do i care so much about people?
if anyone can give me the answer for that question i'll give you one million dollars. i say one million dollars, because no one knows. i'm that confident. i'm not talking about what people think about me by the way. more like, why do i always try to like/love everyone when all i get in return is bitchyness or immaturity. this being nice to people is getting tough, the older i get and the more things i go through the more i realise... people are assholes. one day i'm going to run out of niceness and end up a bitter old cat lady. and when that day comes, i'm going to shoot something. coz that's something i refuse to be :( well, maybe a cat lady wouldn't be too bad. but being a bitter old person would just sadden me.

sigh, i need company. i think i may go a bit mad.

- r

goodbye.

so you left and all i could say was "best of luck", no goodbye hug or anything. you need to grow the fuck up hey :/ i'm sorry i'm not like her; i'm sorry i wouldn't let you become my world, let you become everything i thought was important, just so you could break me down when you left. pffft, i'm offended you thought you could even try. i am no hopeless romantic. you've got me thinking though...
my ego and my ability to make a person think that i don't care, that i'm not phased, to hide what i think and feel, might just one day be the end of me. hopefully, by that time, i'll believe my own illusions.
'Cognito Ergo Sum' - I Think, Therefore, I Am.

- jae.

miss.

it's funny how things happen when you least expect them to. the one thing i was sure wouldn't happen. did. at first i felt bad, but then i realised things happen for a reason. and even though one day i hope things will change between us, my hopes have slowly dissapeared. not because i stopped loving you, or caring about you, but because what we used to share dissapeared. will we ever get that back? we'll see in a few years time i guess. coz that's how i feel how much i see you these days. i guess i just miss you and i didn't realise how much until today.

- r

reciprocal.

why is it that i always seem to cause problems for everyone around me, especially the ones i care about; family, friends and you. it hurts me even more when i see them take for granted what they already have, the one thing i thought i wanted. i probably am better off alone, what i think i want seems to come with a whole world of problems. then again, everything in life has it downsides i guess, it's just about whether the good outweighs the bad. i should stop wanting more from life, life's a stupid whore anyway. my life is pretty awesome as it is, there's not much else i could ask for. i have an awesome family, the best friends, nice things and it's not like you were a complete dickhead. i should be more than happy, so, i will be. the door is closed, indefinitely. since you're so prepared to let go of the one person who would've been willing to give you her world, her world is gonna let go of you. i'll pull through this on my own.
i will not falter, i will not fall, i will stand tall; i will be strong.

- i am jae.

decisions.

sometimes i worry about you. so much of what you do revolves around experimentation. i don't like it. i'm never going to know what the outcome is going to be. i don't know what you're going to end up doing. i don't know what's going to happen to you. so i've decided that i have to be there with you through this all, because at least i can attempt to protect you. i forbid you to leave me, because you're a stupid idiot.

funny how people you think you've lost come back to you. it's weird because you don't know what to do at first. it will never be the same. it's already fallen apart, but i guess there's nothing wrong with trying to fix it. we'll just see how long it lasts this time around.

i remember why i don't like going out anymore. after this weekend i'm going to continue what i started - sleeping in and watching the office :)

- r

just fine.

i just don't know what to say nor do. it feels like i don't know anything anymore. like when you spend so much time putting a puzzle together, then some shitty little kid comes and fucks it up. you can't find the pieces, which stops you from putting it back together. then you just get frustrated coz you can't finish something you worked so hard for and what you thought you were so close to accomplishing just all falls apart. that's how i feel right now. it's good, you feel better. i guess everything's fine then.

- r

un-fucking-believable.

i cannot fucking believe you. don't even try to turn this back on me. okay, so what if i didn't hear you say you were apparently "sorting shit" out with her. i'm pretty sure when i asked what was going on with you and how you were feeling, you said "i'm good". i wasn't aware that meant "i'm getting back with my ex and i'm gonna keep leading you on". i was fine with just being friends and according to you, that's all we were. i never knew 'being friends' with you meant PDAs, holding, touching and cuddling.
okay, so it's all my fault. it makes everything so much easier when there's a scapegoat, you skip the whole emotional roller coaster ride and go straight to the end. just blame it on me if it makes you feel better about yourself, i really don't mind because this is how i see things -
i'm hotter, smarter and richer than you (: and have a lot less issues too. if you're not gonna treat me right, well, it's not that hard to find someone else who will. stop wasting my time now please, you're neither worth it nor can you afford it.

- jae.

young money.

i'm starting to think that there's just way too much baggage for me to deal with. maybe who i said i was, isn't who i am. i don't mean to care as much as i do, but i guess it changes when the circumstances do. i don't want to know everything, i just want to know. but i guess you can't even let me know can you? sorry, but this goes both ways. if i don't know, i guess you won't either.

why can't i live in young money world? their lives seems so carefree, and they don't care what other people think. i used to be like that, what happened to me? it's 11:11, i'm not going to reveal my wish. even though it probably won't come true, it's worth a try. trying never hurt anyone did it? even if you fail, at least you know you tried right?

these dreams must be effecting my daily life, coz all i think about is you.

- r

indifferent.

wow, i'm a bigger bitch than i thought i was, it comes so naturally too. this entire time i made myself out to be one being played, like i was the victim. i did think it was a big strange i handled our little mishap so well though. here, i thought i was just tank like that :/ maybe it was the chase that kept me around, your stubbornness to give in. until now. so now you want to pick up where we left off. that's great, right? why am i so unsure? i should be happy, i shouldn't be thinking twice about it but i am and the stranger thing is, it couldn't phase me any less. is this indifference just a front? maybe i'm hesitating to let you in or maybe i'm just that over it that i don't care anymore. either way, the old jae is back and she's not planning on going anywhere. if you wanna get past her, you're gonna have to step your game up. you got competition this time around.

- jae.

breakeven.

so now i'm just going to sit and wait for the day it all falls to pieces..

- r

reminisce.

family dinner for mothers day tonight (: didn't last night because everyone was tired/busy/whatever, so we all agreed monday night. the useless brother didn't make it. why? because he was up all night doing an assignment he left to the last minute and was coming down. go figure. he didn't turn up to his baby sister's eighteenth family dinner either. then he has the nerve to ask us to bring him back take-away? honestly, he could've atleast tried to force it down his throat, it's not very often the family is actually together. anywho, enough about the one who makes me angry.
mothers day dinner was fun (: i love my family. luff luff luff luff lufffffff! although i would never admit this to any of them, except mama. i told pa to shut up and stop talking to me when i went to pay, but he knows i don't mean it *ahem*. i WAS gonna buy her a dryer but somehow ended up paying $450 for dinner @@" so that's my present there. sigh, so many things i could've bought ): then again, i'd pay a lot more than that to have the whole family together again. i miss having us all in one house, i miss being the baby of the family, i miss when my brothers would piggy back across the beach at christmas, i miss being happy and care-free..

- jae.

monday morn.

your laziness amazes me. you're lucky i am a nice girl, and i don't get mad when you ask me to do things for you. but then again, i guess you're nice too, you just have plenty of issues. hahaha.

waking up to cold weather is such a bitch. i just wanna stay in my bed all day, or at least until the weather warms up. i could have woken up at 9 today but decided not to, coz i wasn't wearing pants. it was too cold to get out of my bed and find my trackies. so i slept in another hour :) wahaha.

whenever i'm around you all i do is laugh. i know i'm amused easily, but seriously, there's something about you that just makes me smile. maybe that's why i like you so much :) i'm finding it harder to like people easily these days, i think it's coz of all those times people have told me that i was naive in thinking that everyone was a nice person. but now that i think that, all i do is question people and why they talk to me. is that bad? :/ i dunno, but i liked being naive and nice than bitchy and pessimistic.

- r

day mothers.

the one weekend i stayed at home was probably one of the best i've had.

today was mothers day (thanks for the reminder sago). i didn't buy anything for my mum, and when i said i would, she told me not to. i think it's coz she already knows how much i love her without all those materialistic gifts they advertise for people to buy. i stopped buying things for my mum a long, long time ago. but that never meant i stopped loving her a long, long time ago. i love you mum <3

- r

mothers day.

so it's mothers day and i'm working for her T_T even though i've been sick as a dog this past week and did from 8am to 10pm already yesterday. luckily i resisted the temptation to go out last night :x sigh, being superhuman is so much hard work, i'm getting too old for this but i will soldier on! i get it from mama though cos if i'm superhuman, my mama is godlike (: yupp, without a doubt. hopefully my useless brother will look after the shop in the afternoon so i can take mama to pick out which dryer she wants. i wanted to buy her the world but i didn't have enough monies ): maybe i should ask papa for an allowance.

- jae.

sex.

i like sexual songs. coz they make me laugh. definitely not because i'm horny. and grinding music just makes me smile these days. i just wanna get on a table and grind on you ;)

i've decided that i should really stay in tonight, this lack of sleep is slowly driving me insane. and i need my energy for all the exciting activities that i do. hahah. it's mothers day on monday, and i didn't buy my mum anything. does that make me a bad daughter? i don't think so. since when did you need a set day to appreciate your mother? pretty sure i love my mum enough not to waste my time and buy her something pointless. i'll just put a bow on my head and be her present :)

- r

S.O.S.

it's getting harder and harder to be strong everyday, maybe it's finally time to give in. let's face it, people are constantly growing and changing as are the situations in which you find them. rules become outdated as new strategies emerge. i need to stop thinking that i don't need people, that i can do everything myself, that people just pretend to care. i just need to stop, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. i'm reaching my breaking point and i'm afraid it's already starting to crack. i think i'm afraid, afraid that when it does finally break i won't be able to fix it but i'm also afraid of letting someone in to help me. what if i open the door and nobody's there? how do you break an eighteen year old habbit? sometimes, even the superhuman needs a superhero.

- jae.

sighs.

my mind is blank today. well, i lied. it's not. but i just don't know what to write today.
i miss you, but i don't want to tell you.
i want to exercise, but i really can't be fucked.
i want to sleep, but i need to shower first.
i'm so tired that i just wanna quit my jobs so i can hibernate.
i'm excited for next weekend, but i don't want to be a bitch while i'm having fun :(
i want to tell you something, but it's a secret i should keep to myself.
i need to paint my room, but moving furniture is a bitch.

i hate having all this shit it my mind, and you're not here for me to tell.

- r

miss independent.

you won't get anywhere if you think you're not good enough
but you won't get anywhere by being an obnoxious dickhead either.
balance people, balance (: unless you're just plain boss
like einstein, he was king-dick, he knew it and he could back it up.
you shouldn't need to be told how good you are,
you shouldn't need to be compared to know where you stand.
don't measure your self-worth by how fat your wallet is,
you're only as good as you think you are.
so smile, stand tall and feel good knowing there's only one of you (:
unless your an identical twin.

- jae.

thinking, thinking..

it’s strange, i’ve been different lately, i’m not too sure why either. i’ve been coping pretty well without you and i’m handling it a lot better than i, or anyone else, thought i would’ve. maybe i’m a lot stronger than i thought i was (: or maybe i just think i am. who knows, as long as i’m not breaking out in tears at the mention of your name, who really cares, right?

i really don’t know what it is. i feel.. content? happy but not entirely, there’s something missing. maybe it’s because my life is too comfortable. to my family, i’m like fragile porcelain doll; they take care of me, while letting me be, constantly watching, keeping a smile on my face, decorating me like an ornament, oblivious to the fact that i’m completely hollow inside. then again, maybe i’m just thinking too much, maybe i’m just looking for reasons not to be happy. oops, there i go again, thinking. i should stop.

- jae.

this is why.

"and though there are times when i hate you,
coz i can’t erase,
the times that you hurt me,
and put tears on my face.
and even now while i hate you,
it pains me to say,
i know i’ll be there at the end of the day.

i don’t wanna be without you babe,
i don’t want a broken heart.
don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe,
i don’t wanna play that part.
i know that i love you.
but let me just say,
i don’t want to love you in no kind of way."

maybe this is why i hate love?

- r

no!

i hate love. falling in and out are both shit.

- r

disoriented.

in any other situation i wouldn't have given up so easily, i would've eventually gotten my way but you, you're different. for once in my life, i'm actually putting someone else before myself. even though i'm telling everyone i'm doing this for me, i have to admit, i'm not really. i've already made my point clear but it seems the harder i try to push my point, the more grief it seems to cause you. so, i'm gonna walk away. my visions getting blurry as i leave so i can't really see where i'm going and i can't seem to remember the way back to where i was before. all i know is, wherever i end up, you won't be there.

there are a few things i have to smile about though. i have one of my best friends back finally, after two years, and a new car. maybe money can't buy happiness but atleast i'll be crying in a beamer ;p you'd think i'd be stoked but really, it's just something else for me to worry about.

- jae.