lie.

"just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts.
just gonna stand there and hear my cry,
but that's alright because i love the way you lie.
i love the way you lie."

friendship.

being a good friend is hard at times. i don't mean to change who i am. i guess it just happened unexpectedly, and that's what hurt the most. i know how that feels. but getting angry at what i do or say and not telling me what is wrong isn't going to solve anything. i'm just going to get angry at you for not trying to sort things out with me. i will admit it, i love you. these days those three words mean much more to me than you will ever comprehend. if you ever hear it from me in person. it's true. i really do. so don't try to protect me with your hurtful thoughts and feelings, i want to feel them too, and i want to understand what has changed. i hate change, so don't change just because you believe i have.

- r

lazy.

despite my last bitchy blog, life is good (: i'm not the type to bottle things up, if i have a problem with you i will make it obvious, very damn obvious. last night helen told me she likes to read blogs, i guess that's a reason i'm writing this seemingly pointless one right now, so she'll have something to read when she gets back from camp (: anywhoo, unexpected day off today, so i decided to relax (: i haven't been this lazy for a looooooooooooooong time and i love it. today i woke up, ate, lazed around, went 'shopping' and bought a new vest but then got lazy and went home. when i got home i ate, again, and laid - yes, laid - on the couch all afternoon watching tv. now chilling in bed because it's warm (: with my vanilla sencha, a book, my laptop and my favourite tedbear- i haven't even been to the gym yet :/ oh well, back to my normal routine tomorrow! ..or maybe i should go now, i feel quite fat and lazy hahah

- jae.

game.

don't play the game unless you think you can win. you'll just end up wasting your time and getting hurt. i learned that the hard way. i don't regret it, but i think people should spare themselves the hurt. unless, you actually think you can win, then you're just fucked in the head. i don't think you understand, what's mine is mine. not what's mine is yours. i don't want to share anything with you. go find your own shit. you don't see me trying to take yours. bitch.

on a lighter note. i think i'm going to have one of my bestfriends back :) but actions speak louder than words. please don't let me down this time around. you may make me cry once again. i don't think i have laughed that hard in such a short period of time in a while. this is why i always keep you close.

- r

bitch.

damn straight i am. boo hoo, go have your cry. just not where i can see you please, the sight of your demented face makes me cringe.

and to everyone else who thinks i'm a bitch- if you're not going to take the time to understand why, then i'm not going to waste my breath explaining when you've already passed judgement. think what you like, i will too.


- jae.

compliments.

so recently i found myself in a a situation, simply put; i was played, big time. when confronted about it, to be honest i didn't know what to say or do, i've never been in that situation before. my confusion turned into a blinding, murderous anger- ask anyone that was around at the time (: it's true. then i was approached by the (at the time) girlfriend. i admired her ability to keep her cool and actually talk to me to find things out- if i were her, i would've smashed my skull in before i got the chance to open my mouth :/ then again, it's not like i knew about them. i guess it was complete luck things turned out the way they did, that she didn't turn out to be a manipulative, lying, cheating whore like him otherwise things would've been different- who knows how many assault charges i'd have at this moment.

in all honesty, i was still confused as hell when she approached me, just not so angry but i figured that if both of us still were hung up about the whole situation, neither of us would get anywhere. so instead, i faked a strong front, or one stronger than the one i was fronting at the time. i became a person that i knew we both needed but something she said completely threw me off- really, how often do you hear the (then-)girlfriend telling the 'other woman' "you're so amazing, no wonder everyone loves you (: i can see why [he] cheated"- HOW THE HELL DO YOU SAY THAT SMILING?! even after the conversation i still feel flustered repeating it- she actually made me blush tt"

the point of this story? well;
- i find being strong is far easier when you have someone to be strong for whether friends, family or a special someone.
- being so honest can be bad sometimes, people will take advantage of you. being played is no excuse to turn into a fuckhead who's inconsiderate about other people's feelings. those low enough to cheat will cheat no matter what, some just wait for a reason to come along. those who bounce back after such an ordeal and remain the same, i believe, deserve a round of applause (: COS I AM AWESOME LIKE THAT. nothing and no one will change me. the people that stand by me are there for a reason, i'm not going to change that and neither should you.

..and uhm, yeah :D end of story.


- jae.

shush.

what you do and say are two very important things. show me that you love me. don't just say it. actions are only a bit louder than words. what you do just reinforces how i feel about the situation.
i may do a lot of things. but that is one thing i will always struggle to do. there will always be doubt in my mind. even when everything seems fine, i always know some shits gonna go down just around the motherfucking corner.

- r

Mary Schmich.

Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen
would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved
by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this
advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You
will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until
they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at
photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much
possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You
are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying
is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things
that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you
at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead,
sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's
only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank
statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with
your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22
what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most
interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them
when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the
funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it
or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument
you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living
room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel
ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone
for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your
past and the people most likely to stick with you in the
future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people
who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you
soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians
will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll
fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust
fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when
either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it
will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over
the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

i like this, very much (:
- jae.

hah.

same shit, different day, different loser -
you're no different from the rest, just another whore.

- jae.

hair.

last week i laughed at aaron because his hair looked funny. i didn't mean to be a bitch, but that's just what i do. today i tried and failed to fix my own hair. now i look like a fob. i guess that it was karma for laughing at aaron. coz when i showed him my hair. he laughed too. then i showed other people. they laughed too. including simon du! so maybe, karma will get everyone else back for laughing at my hair. that will be the day.

- r

truth.

sometimes hearing the truth hurts. do you know why? because it's something you didn't want to hear. but why didn't you want to hear it? was it because it's something you didn't expect? no. it's because you expected it, but because of your own insecurities you decided that it wasn't the truth. until you hear it from the persons mouth.
i know things have changed, but that still won't protect me from being hurt. just thinking of it makes me upset. i admit i get upset easily, but i have a legitimate reason this time. maybe this time, it WILL fall apart..

- r

choice.

sometimes i like sitting on the train. the train gives me time to think while drowning out the rest of the world with my ipod cranked to the highest it can get. i look at the river, the freeway, the people, the city and wonder if anyone else is doing the same as i am? i don't know if this is a good thing, but it's a good time for me to sit and ponder on the world. not the usual shit you would have conversations with people about, but what really matters to you the most in life and why it does.
i don't know what the ideal lifestyle for me is anymore. i always thought that getting married, having children and living in a huge old house was the best thing. but i don't know anymore? people can make choices in life, i know that. but what happens when those choices effect the people around you in a bad way? it's your life. live it. but without those people you cared about, what life do you have? i definitely would NOT want to be a loner hobo sitting on the side of the road waiting for someone to give me money just because of a decision i made for my own life.

so when do you really get to make your own decisions of where you're heading? or are you always constantly doing things for the people around you?

- r

godskitchen.

i don't want to go anymore ): i just want to stay home; no make-up, hair tied, jumper, trackies, socks and a bottle of bb riesling, all warm and toastie in my blankie with my cuddle buddy :3 checking out the hot football players in the world cup opening ceremony, tehehehe.. sigh, i just really cbf'ed :/ i'm in desperate need of some serious down time.

also, i've noticed i'm quite noctivagant. maybe that's just what i do best- wander about aimlessly only to realise my time and effort wasted in the end, the entire experience completely pointless as i recognise the familiar surroundings of my sanctuary. oh well, it was a fun joy ride, i guess (:

- jae.

Play.

Just because we tell ourselves we are, or are not, something doesn't mean that we are - we'd just like to think so. Body and Mind are two completely separate entities condemned to share one physical vessel. The Mind will indoctrinate the Body into believing what it wants and as a result, the actions of the Body ultimately become a mere farce; a foolish play directed by a conniving Mind to humour the selfish bitch called Life. The Mind uses the Body as a sanctuary in which it hides itself from the physical realm, looking out through its spyglass - the Body's Eyes. It stays in hiding essentially because it is afraid. Afraid that other Minds may think judge it to be ugly, unappealing, unattractive, hate it or even worse - love it, then leave it. It's the same for every Body, the only difference is the lies the Mind tells to hide this universal fear - Maybe this is why people say you can see a person's soul in their eyes.

- jae.

wrong.

i got older the other day. i don't feel any different. besides the fact i got sick. and now i am once again, bed ridden. :(
i have also decided i am going to join the gym. winter is the devil. it makes me want to eat more and sleep more. then as a consequence, weigh more. super sad face. so now i have more time on my hands, but i'm still tired as hell. something is definitely wrong with me hey. maybe i should go to the doctor :X
for some reason everyone is like, in love? is it the love year this year or something? coz everywhere i look, people are all like "i love youuu". love is gross. it makes people do bad things. bad things in cars, bad things in hotel rooms, bad things in bedrooms, bad things in bathrooms. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PURITY PEOPLE!? BRING BACK PURITYYYY!

- r

learn.

anyone stupid enough to give their heart away deserves to have it broken. anyone whose had their trust betrayed is entitled to revenge. maybe two wrongs don't make a right but since when was life ever fair? the heart-breaker gets his fill from the tears of the broken, are the heart-broken not entitled to their own emotional gratification? who are you to judge what's 'wrong' and what's 'right' - are you god? i didn't think so. let people be, they'll learn in time on their own accord, even if it's the hard way.

- jae.

consequence.

so now i'm regretting what i did. but things you do always have consequences. i'm definitely paying for it now. shit happens though.
now that i'm getting what i used to have, back, i'm pretty content where everything has fallen. it's not into place, but where it is is good enough for right now. i'm going to miss my children. i almost cried when i had to leave them on thursday! maybe one day i can come back, and not have to feel the heartbreak when one of them cries coz i have to leave. poor baby.

today a special friend of mine told me he was black. i think he's yellow. like a banana. but then i thought about it, and he's like, all races in one. what a magnificent creature he must be. but what superfood is he!? O:

- r

I quote:

"Like the physical, the psychical is not necessarily, in reality, what it appears to us to be."

- Sigmund Freud.

mm, i like him.
- jae.

simon du.

especially dedicated to THE simon du.
your name can be hummed so peacefully. like a casual summer breeze. no one notices it, but we all appreciate it.
simon dudududu :) hahaha!

- r

blur.

why is it when i stand back and try and look at the bigger picture, all i see is a blur?

routine.

we all have that point in our lives where we question everything we know. i'm questioning everything i know, and the people too. i have to say the love i once had for you has just turned into disappointment these past few days, and i'm sorry that it played out that way. but how you let me down was something i never expected from you ever in my life, no matter how much i hurt you. i'm sorry for what i did, but you just can't expect me to accept your views now, all i want to do is push you away.

i need to get back into my old routine, where i see other people besides you. i can't let it be just you and me. i need you, me and everyone else. love is such a complicated term, i think after all this is done i'm going to think twice of who i "love". do i really love you? or just the things you do?

- r