slow.

i feel brain dead. maybe it's just coz i'm super slow. or i hang around super slow people.

i don't feel like being social. so why am i always not at home? i'll never know *sigh* i think it's time for me to get some rest. seeing as i've had such a lack of it this weekend. i should hibernate. that would be super awesome :D

- r

gone.

i know you care, so why don't you save yourself before trying to save others? be the person you know you are and can be. sometimes you need to put yourself first, you made me realise that, so why can't you do it yourself. i can see it all falling apart again, i don't know if we can help you this time around. please return to who you used to be, before who you used to be vanishes in front of our eyes.

i don't like posting depressing/angry blogs. but some people seriously make it hard for me to not worry about them. and some people are just plain dumb dumbs! if only there was like, a button i could press for everyone to just sort out their issues and be the happy people they used to be. i miss you happy people! be happy again! sigh.

- r

you say "fuck my life", i say "fuck you, life".

this week is probably the worst in a long time for me.
so, on saturday i decided not to go to melbourne this week to do my course
cos i felt bad for my groups, deferring so far into the semester
and probably because i was kinda rushing into it :s
so now i have to wait another 3-4 months for the next one, sigh.
worst decision i've made in a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.
see, now if i did go, chances are my baby wouldn't have a broken windscreen,
and i wouldn't have been holding that glass at work tonight
when it decided to explode in my hand. lucky me.
it's only wednesday too, i can't wait to see what the rest of the week has in store for me (: NOT.
you know what life? fuck you, i'm really starting to dislike you.
i'm over moping around, constantly sooking, being indecisive -
i'm over trying to make everyone happy 'cause it seems like
no matter how hard i try, no ones really ever satisfied anyway.
i know what i want and i'm gonna get it.
it's my life, i'm the mother fucking princess
but first, i'm gonna beat life at it's own game.
my life, my rules - doesn't mean i can't play dirty ;)


- jae.

novelty.

my life is like a book, a collection of short stories.
every chapter written by someone else,
but the book in it's entirety is edited by me.
each story is written by it's author,
but it's inclusion in the book is decided by me.
sometimes there's unexpected twists,
sometimes there's abrupt endings,
sometimes there's mysterious endings,
sometimes a chapter leaves you thinking "why did i bother?".
to some, my life is comfortable and fascinating,
to others, drab and boring. i agree with both.
i'm comfortable with the people who surround me
and fascinated at how amazing each one of them are,
but i'm bored of this book as everyday becomes increasingly predictable.
sometimes i wish i could be like alice and escape to wonderland.
i'm slowly getting closer to the end of my book,
whether i'm two chapters away or twenty, who knows -
i just want a happy ending, will you write it for me?

- jae.

amused.

at your fucked up perspective on how you think certain things are okay.
at the clouds that float around in the sky.
the cheshire cat.
at your need to have something new ALL the time.
at the way you call me in the morning but tell me to shut the fuck up. hahaha.
at how stupid you are.
at how you can deceive everybody around you, but us.
at how you can float around, not knowing what you're doing and forgetting who will really be there for you when you need it.
at how much of your youth you should cherish, before the real world fucks up your life.
at how many people just don't care.
at how many people actually do care.
at your fucking ave face you stupid two face bitch.
at how much i miss my family.
at your stupid games, they're stupid.
at how things are going.

these are the things i thought of whilst eating my pie :3 i don't know which one is most amusing. all i know is, it's amusing how people can effect my pie eating time :/

- r

heartbroken.

Monday the 22nd March, 2010.
This will be remembered as one of the crappiest days of my life.
Firstly, my trainer wasn't in yet when I went to the gym ):
Then I thought about whether or not I should go to uni,
as I only have a one hour lecture on Mondays,
but I figured I may as well go since I had to be at Applecross later in the day to close my mama's shop.
BIG mistake.
As I left uni I started hearing thunder.
For some strange reason the sound of thunder scares the crap outta me :/
Just last year I slept in bed with my mum 'cause it was thundering.
ANYWHO, on my way to the shop it started to hail.
It got heavier and heavier, as I got closer to pissing my pants.
By this point I was driving at around 2km/h
and then CRACKK, my windscreen cracks T_T
so I shit myself and turn into an empty lot, not noticing the driveway ended about 5m in 'cause it was raining so hard.
Then I get bogged, out in the open, hail pelting my baby hard.
I start crying and shaking uncontrollably.
YES I CRIED MOFOS, I'm pretty sure yous would too if your baby just got cracked in the face
and you were sitting there, knowing that once your baby gives in
you'd be next.
On top of that, OPTUS BLOCKED MY PHONE, ARSEHOLES.
It is now 7:45pm, I don't want to eat and I've been drenched for the past four hours.
The sound of running water, calling me to it's warmth.
My bottle of Cienna, waiting to send me to sleep.
I need a hug ): hopefully tomorrow will be better.

- jae.

turn.

when everything seems like it's going well, do you enjoy it or be ready to expect the worst to come soon? if i'm ready the blow won't be as hard, but on the other hand i want to be able to keep things the way they are. maybe letting things sort themselves out is the way to go, or do i need to control what's going to happen. my head hurts from thinking about it. i'm gonna go clean my room.

- r

in my head.

"in my head, i see you all over me. in my head, you fulfill my fantasy. you'll be screaming no. in my head, its going down. in my head, its going down. in my head. yeah. in my head. oh yeah." - that won't happen. but it's a good song. jason derulo needs some self control, something which i am hoping i will possess for a much longer period of time.

it's pretty annoying when a good day turns into a bad day last minute hey. maybe i should stop telling things to people all together and keep things to myself. trust is too important to me these days. don't betray it. i'll be pissed off.

- r

unimpressed.

the harder you try to impress me,
the more unimpressed i'll be
and frankly, i think you tried a bit too hard.

- jae.

muddled thoughts.

icing - medium, chilled
stirring, shaking, rolling
pouring - never let it dilute
rimming - discard excess
garnishing - wedges, slice, wheels, twists, oils & flaming
OLIVES
juicing
simple syrup; no granularity from sugar

to most, this makes no sense.
i get that, i really do -
but for me, this is what i want to do.
so when university becomes the norm,
what is an aging teenager supposed to do?
conform to society's 'norm', or break the mould -
at the risk breaking her parents' hearts.
friends constantly questioning me; "why?", doubting me.
who is really gonna be there to support me at the end of the day,
who really cares whether i'm happy or not ?
i need to know, i'm running out of time.

- jae.

tuesday.

r: "*pointing left*
"go that wayy !"
j: "dude, why didn't you just say it"
r: "because i'm holding a fork"
j: "so you can hold a fork and point left but can't hold it and say 'go left'"


..10 minutes later..


j: "is it left?"
r: "....."
j: "is it left?"
r: "....."
j: "is it left?"
r: "....."
j: "is it left?"
r: "....."


THE END.

good day.

this would have to be one of the first good days of this year. like genuinely a good day. it started off slow, but i guess you need to be patient for good things to come.

sometimes i wish i knew what i wanted before i experienced it, but i'm the type of person that needs to experience something before decisions are made. i was used to my life before, happy with the way i did things and who i did them with. too used to the freedom that i had that i forgot that to be with someone you need to watch what you do. i don't know if that means changing myself for someone else or doing it for myself? either way, i'm glad that what happened happened because my mind is clear. but is yours? don't pretend everything is okay when it isn't. it's not fair to me. i want to know everything too. that's not selfish is it?

- r

exercise

working up a sweat is so much easier
when you have a hot brazillian/mauritius guy
as your personal trainer

- jae ;)

rant.

i've always hated being alone,
being left alone to listen to my own thoughts
but i think i'm slowly starting to get used to it
because when i think about it, they're all valid points.

- i hate seeing you sad over something you have no control of,
why do you let emotions control you so easily?
then i just get frustrated with myself for being so useless.

- 'the game' is too easy, it's boring.
people only hate it because they don't know how to play it.
it's like girls and WoW/dota, DON'T DENY IT.

- yes, i am cold hearted bitch.
i couldn't care less about half the people i know.
i know it sounds really bad,
but chances are they all probably care less for me.
what you see is what you get.
if you look at me and see nobody, don't expect me to care about what kind of impression i leave you with.
if you look at me and see someone who will always make you smile,
don't expect me to ever give you up without a fight,
i won't let you go that easily.

- manners; without them, you're disgusting and filthy.
if you don't use "pardon me", "thank you" and "please" when appropriate, it's probably 'cause your parents were hillbillies.

- most see me as materialist, cold, cruel et cetera.
you don't need to tell me, i already know.
if i act that way towards you, there's usually a reason.
think carefully before you start labeling me
and make sure you have a valid reason.

- i don't care about what a person does in their spare time,
what they chose to do to kill time is no concern of mine
just as mine are no concern of theirs.
the only time a person has the right to judge another person,
is when the subject's actions affect others negatively.

- i love my friends, the few i actually have, almost as much as my family. the lengths i would go to for these people, are more than most would, or should.
sometimes, i choose to let the wrong ones in and sacrifice more of myself than i probably should. sometimes, i try to help one too much that i start neglecting others
but i love them more for having patience with me.

- just because i've never been in love, doesn't mean i've never had my heart broken.
for me, to let myself fall in love would be unbelievably stupid.
i see love stories start and end everyday, there is no 'forever'.
"the means justifies the end"
but if the end gets you to the same, or worse, place you started from
why bother getting to the end at all?
consequently, i become more dependent on some individuals
thinking they would care enough to not want to hurt me.
then i remember, some people have other faces.

- i hate people who are too overly nice to everyone,
but some people don't get what i mean by this.
i'm the type of person who will start a random conversation with the behind the counter when i'm in a good mood if they're looking a tad bored. i appreciate it when people don't give me one word answers.
i don't appreciate it when they reply because they have ulterior motives.
i may be slow, but i'm not stupid. i can read someone within the first ten seconds of meeting them,
whether i care enough to remember this impression or their face,
is a completely different story.


THE END (for now)

- jaee.

not again.

i woke up and didn't know what i was feeling. i still don't know what i'm feeling. i guess i'm just empty. why is that?

i don't know what to do, i know you need saving. but no one can save you. only you can do that. i'm going watch over you as long as you need. you mean too much to me for me to see you like that again. please don't make me cry this time. i really do love you.

- r

too much.

i've always been an optimistic person. although i may not act like one, i am. the first thought i have of you will always be something ingrained in my mind. i'm up for meeting you, if you're up for meeting me. always :) give me a shit impression, and i'm sorry. but you're just shit. shit until you prove me wrong. it seems that it's always the opposite sex that give good first impressions towards me. i don't know why that is? maybe i look too bitchy for girls to talk to me? or maybe i'm just too black. lololol. either way i think i need to stop thinking the best of people and start to analyse their actions towards me thoroughly. this shit may get raaaaw! (theres a special way you're supposed to say "raw" so it would sound cooler. like yeeehaawww! LOL) anyway, to those who don't know me well enough wouldn't see that i sacrifice too many things for too many people. i think i should stop that, for my own good.

last night i realised so many things that i've been blind sided by for too long and talking about it made me feel so much better. like i had actually progressed in life and not just stayed in one stupid spot like what i had been doing recently. it's a shame when you see and know people that stay with their own bad habits and you know you can't help them but you can watch it all fall apart (hopefully into place though). sometimes in life huh?

- r

angry.

when i say "f*ck off", i mean it.
no, it's not because i'm a girl that likes to be chased.
so i repeat: f*ck off.
touch me and i will break your face.

- jae.

lost.

Sometimes, people keep themselves busy to make them forget about something,
to keep themselves from the reality of the world.
I think I may be one of those people.
I've kept myself so busy,
I can't remember what it is I've forgotten
or what it is I'm hiding myself from.
A person can't move into their future, without knowing their past -
So where the hell am I going ?

- jae.

beauty.

the sun has risen and a new day has begun. i haven't seen the morning light in so long that i don't even know why the hell i'm already awake! it's times like these when i truly appreciate what we have in this world. the beauty of everything around us is ignored too often because of the material things that we choose to surround ourselves with.

last night i decided i would camp outside my house for one night, just so i can stare at the night sky and watch the sun rise. i don't know when that day will be, but i'm sure it is going to be a very memorable moment. just as long as i don't pass out in the in between. lol.

i must say though, this change is doing me good. but i think when you try too hard to be good, it results in something worse.

- r

conversation.

the space your best friends give you to breathe is probably the best you could ever have. and that's what i appreciate. the fact that you can not talk to someone for ages and still be able to hold the best conversation you have had the whole week. that's why you mean so much to me, because even when i don't know what you've been up to or what you're doing you are still able to make me laugh until my stomach hurts and make me smile uncontrollably. what would i do without you?

- r

kaboom.

so i'm at the bullcreek shop
it's a saturday afternoon
and i've been here by myself for about two hours.
every saturday is the same for me -
i wake up at 7am, i go to the applecross shop
to pick up stock to deliver to nz fresh in garbo.
the boy at rhubarb cafe always delivers my morning latte without fail
with a cute smile & the same line - he's so predictable,
but it still makes my day (:
anyhow, back to now
my bladder is about to explode as i wait for my brother to come back.
if my life continues the way it is, i might just implode.

- jae.

realization.

this morning i woke up and thought about who is really important in my life right now. i've come to the conclusion i can honestly count my real friends on my two hands and the rest don't really matter. i also came to the conclusion that one of the people that i thought would be there forever has been "replaced". not fully, but you're slowly being erased. your name in my heart is fading and holding onto it is getting troublesome. it seems like you don't want to be there anyway. does this mean the person i'm "replacing" you with will slowly fade away sooner or later when the time comes, or will they be there for me when you have forever faded. i want you back, but i guess sometimes life can be unfair.

who would've known being a pokemon trainer would be such hard work. i wish julie was a giant pokeball so i could use her to catch cute little sago :3 om nom nom! i'm feeling for some fried chicken.

- r

11:11

11:11 - how long do i wait to see if my wish comes true ?

seasons.

as the rest of the world goes through seasons, so do i.
as cities experience summer, winter, spring and fall - so do i.
i define my seasons differently though,
i don't define seasons on what the weather is like outside
nor do my seasons last only three months a year -
my seasons are party, work, study and downtime.
durations and frequencies of these seasons vary though
but they all feel the same -
pointless.
it's like life's just taking me for a ride on it's a merry-go-round.

- jae.

double glance.

sometimes i wish i didn't do things i have just done. that's how i feel right now. i don't want things to be different, but i guess change is inevitable right? no matter what i do it just doesn't suit people. one way or the other. just when i thought things were gonna be okay, it blows up in my face. hermit time seems necessary at the moment, but i'm not quite sure if it's suitable. i should re-think my attack plan. or is it defense? either way, i need to learn to keep my mouth shut, i tend to let it slip a bit too far sometimes.

i hope this doesn't turn out the way i have always dreaded it would. in tatters.

- r