last.

..but behind the scenes
he means the world to me

- jae.

over.

the hardest part about moving on isn't learning to sleep by yourself at night, it's learning to sleep next to someone else.

- jae.

reminisce

reading back over the crap i wrote and thinking "that's disgusting", it's actually kinda sickening.

- jae.

instance.

that moment when you realise, despite the 80 odd years of your existence, you will die alone and the world couldn't care less. more reason to do what you love, say what you mean and not give a damn because no one else will anyway.

- jae.

grateful

you know those songs that just seem to say everything better than you can..

" this ones for you and me, living out our dreams.. "
we both know exactly what we want
and we're both equally intent on getting it
unfortunately, those dreams aren't with each other

" ..we are right where we should be.. "
regardless of how everything has happened
if we think about it reallyy hard
this couldn't have turned out any better

" ..with my arms out wide.. "
you still have that amazing ability to make me smile
and there's no doubt you're always going to be around
sometimes, even if i may not want you to be

" ..i open my eyes and now all i wanna see- "
occasionally, the 'happy' ending isn't the usual sort of 'happy'
regardless, i'm still very glad i met you
because you make my world that touch more colourful

- jae.

I Will Be Here

I don't know, what went wrong
If I did, would it matter cause
It just wasn't enough
You know when the moment comes
To be strong, show resistance
And that is what we're lead to believe

When the big world falls apart
And you think that the feeling will linger
You need somewhere to start, I will be here

Guess that things didn't work out
It will soon disappear and will be miles away
Away from here
You don't mind if life's not that pretty
It will soon disappear and will be miles away
Away from here

When the big world falls apart
And you think that the feeling will linger
You need somewhere to start, I will be here

And when it all seems to fall apart
You can't breathe, you don't know what you're thinking
You need somewhere to start, I will be here

I will be here..

Promise This

In my beginning there was nothing
So empty in the space between
Then you came in, turned the lights on
And created what has come to be
-
Though I'm walking through the shadows
You are with me and you comfort me
Lay me down now, time for sleeping
But before that, would you miss me?
-
By a thread we're hanging on
And I hope you don't let go
If you ever leave me
Know I wanna go with you
-
Before I pluck your wings, cover me please
Spread your wings, cover me
Promise this, if I die before I wake
Promise this, take the time to say your grace
On your knees you'll pray for me
Promise this, be the last to kiss my lips

- Cheryl Cole.

daily

they say, "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger"
but sometimes i can't help feel like i'm already dead.

- jae.

acquainted

this is unhealthy, things are the way they are because you know you can't replace me.. whether it's because you're just possessive and selfish or because you actually care- i don't know and that in itself is a selfish act on your behalf. unfortunately, i can't say i'm any different except i know the reason why i keep you around.. is because i can't see myself with anybody else. what a sad story.

- jae.

'til death..

out my mind, yeah i'm losing it..
take my life but i'm cool with it, i really don't care..
'til death do we party, with the music i die

- jae.

clueless..

you haven't the slightest what you've done to me, do you? it's not that i can't explain it, it's because i don't want to- the busier i am, the more reason to ignore how i feel about you. the more important everything else is, the less important you will be- right? right. no questions. who am i kidding.. i've tried pretending, i've tried not caring, i've even taken up another job and deprived myself of even more sleep. you know me, you know what makes me happy and you know how to make me smile without even trying. i give in- as long as you're on the other end of that ten digit combination, i don't care about anything else. it's sad how we're so good together- through good, bad or strange- as mates.. it's cruel how incredible you are and unfair how this has turned out. this really is a bitter-sweet ending, isn't it..

- jae.

one day.

life without you just wouldn't be life.
maybe i'm just afraid of what to come. i don't know what it will have in store for me, and i don't think i'm ready to find out.
i know i think too much. but this is something else. i think i just need to disappear for a while. but we all know that's not possible.
i guess all i can do now is wait. but i'm not a very patient person.

- r

short.

i didn't think that it would ever come to this.
but the more i think about it, the more i consider my future. what does it hold? and what should i do? life is too short for this.

- r

changed.

i can't help but think sometimes i give a little too much- will taking this chance really be worth it, or will it just be a catastrophic mistake? completely immersing myself in work and study, making my teenage social life practically non-existent.. this blind faith and seemingly unfaltering feelings.. i always seem to give a little more to one over another. sometimes, i doubt- doubt whether this sudden burst of determination will see me through to the end, and doubt you know how much you've changed me..

regardless- i'll go for as long as this determination will drive me, and stand by you until you shatter me into a million unrecognisable pieces.. because this what you've done to me. i seem to have lost the ability to critically analyse a situation and make a pessimistic evaluation that i'll honestly believe still holds true, amongst other things.. but i've gained an experience worth much more :) fear is for the weak, doubt is for cowards and insecurities just need a little bit of extra attention, time and love.

that's right dearest, you read it, and you know i'm aiming it at you ;) don't stress though, i'll be making sure you get plenty of it! unfortunately for you, i have an artillery full.

- jae.

smile :)

life really is what you make of it- hard or easy, good or bad, fulfilling or empty. yes at times it gets hard, at times it gets discouraging, at times it seems futile and will become so if you choose to let it. instead of cowering in the face of adversity, put on a blindfold and stand up to it- you really don't have anything to lose, they're just excuses you make for yourself. try hard enough and you'll make for material losses, believe enough and you'll always see the bright side, as for pride- real pride should be infallible, if a little hiccup knocks it down then there really wasn't much of a foundation to begin with. screw what those hater bitches say, they're just distracting themselves from reality of their own depressing lives.

wake up each morning with a bounce in your step, greet every day with a chirp in your voice, face each problem with a grin on your face and you'll be pleasantly surprised with your new found outlook :) just as everyone else will be- plus, the stranger who quietly smiles at their own thoughts has always struck me as rather attractive.


- jae.

last day.

it's painful to watch you go through something like this. i know it can't be easy and i know you're going to be strong for your family. but i really think you need to let your guard down sometime soon. and when that happens i'll be there for you, don't worry. today is going to be one of the hardest times of your life, and for you to get through what you have so far is an accomplishment in itself. i am proud of you and i love you very much.
you're not my best friend for no reason.

home.

navigate.

you've got my emotions all strung up, wafting in the open with everything you say as if each word was a breeze, and a series of wrong ones could cause an emotional hurricane. i've always been the reasonable, rational, level-headed one but you confuse me to the point i don't know what i am. i constantly contradict myself- act composed when i'm a mess, think i'm my old-self at times, and make you think something's wrong when all i do is sit there and smile because i'm happy.
i still doubt, get insecure and fear the worst at times while also confidently putting blind faith in you- don't ask how, i don't get it either. when i doubt, i reason it out. when i get insecure, i feel your arms cradle me to bed. when i get scared- scratch that, my only fear is you leaving but don't think that'll be happening anytime soon.
i used to be this unstable, overly-sensitive looper who couldn't be left alone for half a day without my mind going charlie sheen on me. i would get so insecure when you weren't there to reassure me- my mind would go on a frenzy, grouping you with all those other stupid boys from my past, expecting the worse. then you'd prove me utterly wrong, make me berate myself for doubting you in the first place- falling that little bit deeper each time..
this sounds like a fairy-tale, right? so picturesque, so perfect- so predictable? how long until we can't be perfect anymore? or will we be always be this good together? will we fight and make-up? or will we get bored and break-up? all very real possibilities and surprisingly- have very little effect on me. this is exactly what i mean though, even though i'm so happy- somehow my mind still has these thoughts but pays them no mind? that being said, if i was so happy then i shouldn't be thinking them at all.
what happens next is still a mystery- possibilities are endless but i really don't know where else this can go but maybe it's a good sign.. right? i'm just going to hold your hand tighter..

- jae.

pretend.

saying one thing to someone and changing it to make it something i would rather hear is smart, isn't it?
don't worry, i'll just pretend i believe you.

- r

antacids preasee.

so we went to ikea and he bought almost everything i said i liked- 4 lamps, 5 tables, a bathroom mirror he'll never use, an ice-creaam scoop (he doesn't eat ice-cream) and a green can opener for the obvious reason that green is the best colour in the world- *cyber hi5's meng even though he's probably asleep*.
this whole time i've been holding myself back, taking one step at a time, weekend by weekend- but it seems this boy has been planning a lot further ahead than i have. i feel sort of guilty and uneasy at the time same. i should be ecstatic, right? that i'm part of his whole 'home-making' process- for a home that's still in the making, might i add. i feel guilty for being so short-sighted and uneasy at the thought of looking any further.
what is this strange gut feeling, maybe i need some antacids.